Fire and Rain

Me, Georgie, Dustin, and mum at our family friend James' wedding. I'm missing them a lot.

I wanted to write another blog before I have chemo on Wednesday. If it's anything like it was last time, I think I'll be feeling pretty sick for about a week and a half. I hope not, but just in case I wanted to update before then. Plus I have a few things to talk about.

I really want to thank my mum for driving all the way out here from Maine (a 3 day drive!) and spending 10 days with me. We were able to do a lot together and it really meant a lot to me. :) So, thank you mom for being here for me and for all you did for us while you were here!! Can't wait to see you again. I miss you and Dustin and Georgie more than you know. I love you guys!

And I just want to apologize again to those family and friends who haven't heard from me. It makes me cringe when I realize how much time passes between responding to someone's e-mail, message, comment, phone call, gifts, etc. It seems like days turn into weeks, and weeks to months before I get back to people. And I feel terrible and I'm so sorry!! :( Tomorrow I plan on replying to as many messages as I can and writing as many thank you notes as I can before Wednesday's chemo.

I don't know what it is..but these days, or weeks I should say, have been harder on me emotionally. I don't know if it's the fear of the upcoming surgery or stress of decisions I have to make. But I have had moments where I am struggling not to cry and to just focus on the tasks of the day. And my mom, uncle, and Alan have seen my emotional wall crumble..crying over things that are probably not that big of a deal but for whatever reason were too much for me in that moment.

I know that I am loved. I know that people care. Every day I am reminded of these things. And inspite of it all, I know I am blessed beyond words. Battling cancer does have it's physical challenges, though I find it more of an emotional struggle than anything. I struggle with having to accept the loss of a breast, or possibly both. And out of curiosity, I want to ask my female friends this: How do you think you would deal with the loss of your breasts? (..I ask because sometimes hearing another's point-of-view can lend me ideas I never thought of and therefore help me cope.)

For me, when I look at the big picture, this is minor. There are people who go without food, clean water, and medical care everyday. And I'm selfish enough to worry about my breasts and loss of hair. It's incredible what we as human beings take for granted. There are days when I think, "I don't need breasts. It's not a big deal." Then moments later, I can't seem to accept losing them and start to feel sad. So, what is it that I'm feeling?? I've been told that at this point during treatment, most women do start to feel a little depressed. You have time to wrap your head around the reality of what your life has become. The change is extreme. But, it's a matter of life or death. And I choose to live. It's not forever. I am enduring this for a brief time and the end of chemo is closer and closer every day and my scars will fade. And..I know it could be worse.

Below is one of my favorite pictures (it's not of me..just one I found on photobucket).. But it's something I love to do when I'm going through a hard time. To sit by the ocean is incredibly therapeutic. And below the picture are some lyrics that I can really relate to at this point in my life and during treatment.

"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
I won't make it any other way"

-James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"

In closing, I just want to remind everyone again about the fundraiser July 3rd. See my last post for details. :) Again, any help is greatly appreciated!!

And please pray for my Aunt Stef and her family as she lost her dad today. It's never easy to lose a loved one and I want them to know that I'm thinking of them and love them!!

Also, please pray for my Aunt Colleen who had to put her 14 year old dog down yesterday. I know it broke her heart to do that, but I hope she finds comfort in knowing that Sid is no longer suffering.

Thanks for hearing me out..and again, please continue to be patient with me. You will hear back from me.. and I'm working hard to make sure it's this week!! :) I love you guys! xo

catching up

On my 25th birthday, with my brother's dog, Chance. :)


In Livingston, Montana last September.

I am sorry that so much time passes between entries. I always have the good intention of writing reguarly, but somehow fall off track. A lot has gone on in the past few weeks, some good news and some bad. So, I'll update you all now.

I believe I had spoken too soon after my last entry. When I said that I was feeling great, I have to admit that by that evening, I began to feel the effects of the chemo. My body started to ache more than it did on the other medicine. The fatigue was something I could not seem to overcome and I slept for the better part of almost two weeks. I hated the way I felt on the Taxol.

Not only did I have the discomfort that came with starting this medicine, I also developed a pilonidal cyst. This caused me excruciating pain and I ended up in the hospital because of it. This pain was so intense that I couldn't walk, sit, or lay down without taking percocet every 2 hours. And that hardly took the edge off the pain. Just to touch it caused instant tears. I had to go under general anesthesia and have it surgerically drained. While I was in the hospital, I was then given an IV of antibiotics throughout the night and into the morning. I didn't eat for 2 days and was put on a liquid diet during my stay there. Happy to say that it seems to be healing pretty well and I'm no longer in pain. :)

On the bright side, because of the open wound and the potential problems it could cause due to my immune deficiency, they postponed my chemo that I was to have on June 17th to June 30th. This was SUCH a relief because I was dreading starting chemo again two days after getting out of the hospital. Not only that, but it took so much out of me the last time, I never really felt like I recovered. But everyday, I feel better and better! I can't wait until I have my 8th and final treatment.. I just want to feel like myself again!

And best of all, my mom is here!! :) She arrived on June 16th (with the hopes of sitting through my chemo with me..however, I'm relieved that I get to feel good and not tired and sick during her 10 day stay here in St. Paul!) We've been getting out and doing all kinds of stuff which has been good for me. :) We've gone to the zoo, on a paddleboat ride up the Mississippi River, to Duluth (and got to see Lake Superior for the first time), to the Mall of America, had a few picnics in the park....I really wish she didn't have to leave but I will see her again in September when I have my surgery. On July 3rd she will be attending a fundraiser for me. :)

Speaking of the fundraiser, anyone in the Bangor/Calais/St. Stephen areas who would like to attend the benefit:

Spaghetti Dinner

--Holy Rosary Church, St. Stephen, New Brunswick

--July 3rd from 3-5 p.m. (Eastern time) or 4-6 p.m. (Atlantic time for my Canadian friends :)

--Ticket prices: $15 per adult or $10 for children 10 and under

--Tickets are available at Stuart's Gifts in St. Stephen, N.B. (25 Milltown Blvd) or call (506)921-0581 to speak with Katelyn.

-My mom will be selling 50/50 tickets at the door! There will also be a silent auction with prizes generously donated from local businesses! Prizes include: a $120 gift card from Beyond Bronz tanning, a $50 gift basket from Sea of Tranquility, and a free haircut from Rumours Hair Salon..as well many other items! :)

**If you can't make it to the fundraiser, but are interested in donating, please contact Katelyn or myself (e-mail: annmdweber@yahoo.com) to recieve information on where to send your donation! Any help is greatly appreciated!

Other than that, things are going well, just busy! I want to apologize to anyone who hasn't heard back from me in the past few weeks. I haven't forgotten about you, I promise! Things will start to slow down again for me this week, but just know that I love you. :)

Positives:

My mom is here. :)

Having both Alan and my mom here at the same time is awesome!!

No chemo!

The fundraiser is raising money and is such a huge help!

feeling good :)

Alan and I over Memorial Day weekend in Northern Minnesota.

So, Alan is here!! :) I'm happier than ever and am so glad to have him here with me while I finish up my treatment! We've been spending a lot of time together over the past week and a half catching up and enjoying each other's company. We went up to Frazee, MN last weekend to visit his mom and relatives for a few days. We ate great food, hung out by the lake (the weather was so beautiful and warm), played games, went on a boat ride, went fishing (he and I both caught a fish!), and just had a lot of fun . It was the most relaxed I've been in a long time. The fresh air and time spent outdoors by the lake really did a lot for my soul. And I feel great! :)

I had my 5th treatment yesterday. I'm on Taxol now. It was a 3 hour infusion and that is probably the worst part. I was pretty tired towards the end of it but I think it's from the Benadryl they give me as part of my pre-meds. Alan sat with me through the whole thing. He held my hand when the nurse was accessing my port and was very attentive the whole time we were at the hospital. I was very grateful he was there with me. :)

Today, I woke up and surprisingly felt pretty normal. Definitely a big difference in how I had been feeling after my treatmens with the Adrimyacin/Cytoxan medicines. No nausea, which was nice. Hot flashes have been happening more frequently and I think it's safe to say I may have entered menopause. I've missed two menstrual cycles, am moody, and have hot flashes pretty much everyday. Not fun but hopefully after chemo, I'll go back to my pre-menopausal ways. Other than that, my appetite is good and I don't feel that sick. And most importantly, I'm happy. :)

My mom will be here in less than two weeks and I'm really looking forward to her being here! I came back from my treatment yesterday and on the table waiting for me was a bouquet of flowers from my mom letting me know she was thinking of me. She's just so thoughtful and I'm very lucky to have her as one of my biggest supporters through all of this! :)

On July 3rd, from 4-6 p.m. (Atlantic time I believe, but I'll find out for sure and let you know), my friend Katelyn is having a fundraiser for me at the Holy Rosary church in St. Stephen, New Brunswick, Canada (it's on 5 Rose Street) for anyone in the area who can make it. I know she's put a lot of effort into putting together the event, so I hope there's a good turnout!

And a big thank you to my mom's friend Pat Sperry who made a very generous donation to my benefit checking account last week!! Every bit helps and I'm so grateful!! And also to the Angel Network for giving me $300 in grocery cards and $200 in gas cards to help me through treatment. And of course, to all my family and friends who show me constant love and support. :) I couldn't do it without you!

My friend Greg Pearce suffered a heart attack today and is at a hospital in Portland, ME. I would just like you to keep him in your prayers. He is truly one of the sweetest men I've ever met and has been such a wonderful support while I've been going through treatment. His wife was diagnosed recently with breast cancer for a second time and I ask that you keep her in your prayers, as well.

Also, I'm staying with my uncle John now. So, for those of you who have been asking about my address, just contact me and I can give you the new address.

Positives:
Alan is here! :)
My mom will be here soon! :)
I only have 3 treatments left!!
I'm happy!!
I've had lots of outdoor time and it's been so relaxing. :)