In Memory

My grandmother passed away this morning. She was 87 years old. She'd been having a difficult time over the last few years, suffering with dementia (Alzheimer's). I hadn't seen her in about 8 years. Fortunately, I was able to visit with her one last time before she passed. It's hard to believe that I was just with her less than two weeks ago. I know she's in Heaven with my grandfather, her memory is back and she is happy again walking around with her loved ones who have gone before her.

It has been an emotionally difficult day for me. I have cried ever since I hung up the phone with my mom and uncle early this morning. I've done a lot of praying and I'm confident that all is well in Heaven. She's there. Granda's there. And they are at peace, together once again. I couldn't ask God for anything more than that.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put our faith in you."

I want to dedicate this song to Gramsie. I love and miss you. Give Granda a big hug for us. :)

Letters to God

Just wanted to share a song that I really love from the movie, "Letters to God." It's available on DVD now. I've even seen it in Redbox, so go rent it for $1. :)

It's based on the true story.. "A heartfelt tale of inspiration, hope and redemption, Letters to God is the story of what happens when one boy’s walk of faith crosses paths with one man’s search for meaning....

Tyler Doherty is an extraordinary eight-year-old boy. Surrounded by a loving family and community, and armed with the courage of his faith, he faces his daily battle against cancer with bravery and grace. To Tyler, God is a friend, a teacher and the ultimate pen pal - Tyler’s prayers take the form of letters, which he composes and mails on a daily basis."

I love the lyrics, in particular the lines, "I would not be here tonight, if I had to choose. It's always the bigger things in life that seem to choose you....When I'm buried in the questions, I can find the answers. I close my eyes and listen 'til I remember.... Everything is beautiful." :)



Hope you like it. :) Oh, and p.s. She was on American Idol.. she totally should've won. ;)

xoxo

I love traveling!

My mom took this picture of me under Delicate Arch. My arms are outstretched and I feel like I am finally conquering my battle with cancer. :)

We made it to Salt Lake City! :) The road trip took a little longer than planned, but it was all worth it.

Day 1: I was able to see most of my family in St. Paul and my friend, Mercy. Then we drove to Deadwood, South Dakota.
Day 2: Went to Devil's Tower, Wymoing.
Saw the Crazy Horse monument.
Mount Rushmore
Stayed in Laramie,Wyoming that night.
Day 3: We arrived in SLC, UT.





So, when we got to my new apartment, I was happily surprised to see these waiting for me:



Thank you Alan! :) Also, thank you Alan and Jake for helping me out by moving all of my stuff into my apartment before I got there! Thank you to my Uncle John for picking us from the airport, letting us crash at his place for a night and treating us to breakfast! And a big thank you to my mom for helping pay for all of the travel expenses. I couldn't have done without her!

What's my next step? Getting over this cold that came out nowhere.. register for classes (tomorrow), and find a place to start radiation. Sounds good to me. :)

here, there, and everywhere

Just wanted to give a quick update before I head back out West.

I spent last weekend in upstate New York visiting my mom's side of the family. I haven't been back in about 8 years and it was soo nice seeing everyone again: Gramsie, Aunt Stef, Uncle John, Uncle Eric, Cousin Ann, Greg and Laura, and my grandfather's grave which I haven't been to since he was buried over 9 years ago.

We went out to breakfast Saturday morning, went shopping and to Lake George during the day, and had a big steak dinner that night. On Sunday, my mom, cousin Ann, Uncle Eric and myself went to breakfast before we all went home (At the restaurant, an 8 year breast cancer survivor gave me a t-shirt with the pink ribbon on it. So cool!). The trip was much too short, but I hope to be able to visit again soon because I miss everyone already. Here's some pictures from this weekend:

In Lake George, NY with my 87 year old grandmother. (She has Alzheimer's and didn't know who I was. It's very sad but I'm glad I was able to see her again and spend some time with her.)

Lake George, NY

Aunt Stef, Uncle Eric, and me

Cousin Ann and I

I miss him. :(

So, to add to my days of traveling....

My mom, sister and I are staying in Portland tonight. It's my last chance to see Georgie before I leave. Then my mom and I are flying to St. Paul tomorrow - Thursday we are driving to Salt Lake City, doing a little sight-seeing along the way:

Rapid City, South Dakota

Deadwood, South Dakota

Mount Rushmore.

We'll probably stay the night somewhere in Wyoming. But the plan is to be in SLC on Friday!! Yay!! Finally. :) I miss the mountains and especially, Alan. :)

I Run For Life

If you want to hear the song they played when all the survivors got on the stage at the race, play the video above. It always makes me cry.. but Melissa Etheridge is a 6 year breast cancer survivor (in the video her hair is short because she's only a year out from chemo). It's a song she wrote. One of my favorite verses: "It's a blur since they told me about it/How the darkness had taken its toll/And they cut into my skin/And they cut into my body/But they will never get a piece of my soul."

Soo, I had THE BEST time at the Susan G. Komen: Race for the Cure last Sunday! My whole family was there, as well as one of my best friends and 5 girls I went to high school with. And.. I wasn't the only bald headed woman walking around.. which was certainly a highlight of the day. :)

Even with the cooler weather and cloudy day, there was an amazing turnout. More than 1,300 people participated in Portland's first ever Race for the Cure. More than $100,000 was raised, most of which will stay in the state of Maine to help with funding.

Right from the moment I stepped into the area where the tents were set-up (bright and early at 7:45 a.m.), I couldn't help but notice how nice and friendly everyone was: they wanted to help, they wanted to give me a hug, they wanted me to dress up in the diva costume, they wanted to ask me about my treatment and diagnosis.. I can honestly say that, for the first time since I was diagnosed, I didn't feel alone. There were actually other women there who understood virtually every feeling I have felt. They had been on the same rollercoater of emotions that I've been on since February.

I met a woman who was 28 at the time of her diagnosis. Six years after her first diagnosis, she had a recurrence in the same exact spot. Not only that, but she now has congestive heart failure due to the chemotherapy medicine, Adrimyacin. She's now 37 and other than those two set-backs, she is doing well. Meeting her added to my sense of union rather than obscurity because she was diagnosed under the age of 30.

I was also interviewed by Channel 6 News. Woohoo! 5 seconds of fame! :)

Here is the clip but you'll have to copy and paste the information below into another web browser because when I added it the form for a blog, it said the video was unavailable:

http://www.wcsh6.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=607601362001#/Komen+Race+for+the+Cure+runs+through+Portland/607601362001


All in all, it was an amazingly uplifting day! I had the love and comfort of my family and friends that were there to walk with me, as well as an unshakable hope from being surrounded by survivors. What more could a girl ask for? :)

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her, Remember me
We will be running
As we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother,your sister,your daughter,your wife
for you and me my friend
I RUN FOR LIFE

Have a safe and happy weekend! My mom and I are headed to upstate New York to visit family. :)

Race for the Cure

I'm very excited to be participating in my first Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5k! The race is going to be in Portland, ME this Sunday, September 12th at 10 a.m. Meet at Payson Park. My mom helped me register for it and sent out an e-mail asking for any help with donations to reach our goal of $125.00. And thankfully, we've been able to raise a little more than that, which is awesome! :)

Thank you to the following people for helping us reach our goal:

Tess Ftorek (2 year breast cancer survivor!)

Leslie Koc (20 year breast cancer survivor!)

Eric Wappett

Stefanie Wappett

(Of the net proceeds, 75 percent remains in the State of Maine to fund education, screening, and treatment programs. 25 percent goes to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Grants Program, funding cutting edge breast cancer research.)

If any of you are interested in running or walking the event, go to http://www.komenmaine.org/ . There is a $25.00 entry fee.

I can't wait to meet those women still fighting it like I am and all the survivors!! It's a sisterhood that I am now a part of, even though none of us ever wanted to be in it. But we all have a few things in common: the fear of breast cancer, the sadness that comes with having scars on your chest or losing your hair, and the faith that God will get us through anything if we let Him. Just the atmosphere alone will be empowering and I know it's going to be amazing!!

I will be walking with my mom, sister, brother, and my friend Ali. Also, 3 girls I graduated with from Catherine McAuley High School will be there, too: Heather, Magen, and Maria. It'll be a day full of emotion as we honor those who continue to fight, admire those that have survived, and remember those who lost the battle.

I'm so grateful that all of them will be there, not only to support me, but to support all the women that have been through this. It's an opportunity to see women who have been through probably the biggest challenge of their lives. And I'm sure you can, and will, see that on their faces....

This woman was diagnosed with cancer during her second trimester.











"It's not okay to just sit back and let things happen when you can make a difference." -from the movie, 'Go the Distance'

Making Strides

So much for keeping up with my blog! It's been almost a month! A lot has happened in that time.... so let me fill you in. :)

I left off updating you on my last chemotherapy treatment. It's all done and I'm happy to say my hair is coming back and my eyebrows are even starting to come in now! Very exciting stuff. :)

I met with Dr. Zera for my follow-up and he told me that he feels confident that I shouldn't have any problems in the future (although it's never guaranteed with cancer). For surgery, he recommended a simple mastectomy.

I said good-bye to Alan and Uncle John on August 18th. I met my mom in Boston, had lunch with my cousin Greg and his girlfriend Laura, and then got on a bus back to Portland. Upon arriving in Portland, I went right to my doctor's appointment at Mercy Hospital. I saw Dr. Molin again for the first time since March and her nurse Cathy McDonald. They were as happy to see me as I was them. :) We went over my options for surgery and suprisingly Dr. Molin said she felt comfortable doing another lumpectomy, if I wanted to do that.

Now, I have a full C-cup. I've already had two lumpectomies and it really doesn't look all that different. I mean, there is a bit of an indentation where I had surgery, but nothing major. However, I thought about how another lumpectomy would cause even more of an indentation. When she told me radiation therapy would cause my breast to shrink even more, I made the choice to go with the mastectomy, rather than have one C-cup and one deformed B-cup. She supported me on that, as did my mom and my nurse. Dr. Molin also said we could take out my port which was such a relief! That finalized that chemo was officially over. :) We followed the meeting with Cathy going over ways to fix the slight lymphadema swelling that had started in my right hand, as well as going over meditative practices to do during the week prior to surgery.

I had my mastectomy surgery on August 26th. Pre-op I tried very hard to put on a brave face, but inside I was terrified and secretly grieving the fact that I was about to lose my right breast. I held up pretty well until Dr. Molin came in and began using a marker to draw on my breast, marking where she needed to for the surgery that was just minutes away. I think she could tell that anxiety and sadness were starting to consume me, so after spending a few moments trying to comfort me, she ordered a sedative. It was after she was out of sight that I looked down at my breast for the final time and just started to cry. Tears just started streaming as I prayed to God to help me accept this. My mom came over and hugged me and started crying, too, telling me, "It'll be okay."

This is my pre-op picture (before I started to cry)

Moments later a nurse came, put in an IV, and literally asked me, "Are you ready to get high?". I looked at him and at the nurse standing at the end of my bed and jokingly replied, "What is this place?". Next thing I remember I was waking up to my mom giving me a hug in post-op. Before surgery, I had asked my mom to take some pictures to show you all what I was going through. She laughed when, in my drunken anesthetic state, I said to her, "You can take pictures now."

This is my post-op picture

To be honest, I feared the worst. I thought I would be in agonizing pain and would see the most hideous looking wound following this surgery. But much to my dismay, the pain was minimal and it really didn't look bad at all! In fact, for having a breast removed, it looked pretty good! I spent the night in the hosptial, had an ocean view (per request by my high-maintenance self), ate delicious food and was well taken care of by the doting and compassionate hospital staff. The evening after my surgery, I got to spend some time with my sister who always makes me laugh which was just what I needed. :) Then I had dinner with her and my mom (hosptial food, of course). I slept pretty well, only being woken up to have my vitals checked and to see if I needed any pain medicine. Before I knew it, I was up and out of there the next day around noon! (My brother had to work these days so unfortunately he wasn't able to be there.)

In my hospital room

The view from my room

My sister and I after my surgery

I loved my sister's shirt :)



I had my post-op appointment September 2nd. The incision is healing well and Nurse Cathy removed my drain. That was an interesting moment! The tube was coiled around inside where my breast used to be to help remove any fluid. Want to know how it's removed? Ready? She pulled it out in about 1 second! ....I guess you'd have to see it to really be weirded out.

Now for the best news EVER! My pathology report came back and it said, "No residual invasive or in citu carcinoma." No cancer cells were found!! Thank you God for hearing our prayers!! :)

So, aside from recovering from surgery and feeling relieved from the good news, I found an apartment in Salt Lake City. Very excited about that and about getting back out to Utah to see Alan and some friends. :) I was also able to visit some friends from Maine that I haven't seen in over a year. I attended my friend, Jenn's wedding September 5th. She was such a beautiful bride and it was great seeing her! I also visited my friends Ali, Lisa (and her new baby boy!) and Sam (and her son). My friends are all growing up before my eyes and I'm so happy for them. :)

I'm going to be in a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Sunday. More details on that in tomorrow's blog! :)

Thanks for all the love, support, and prayers! xo

Positives:

I've spent a lot of time with my family!
Surgery went well!
I finally have clear margins!
I've been able to visit friends!