Fire and Rain

Me, Georgie, Dustin, and mum at our family friend James' wedding. I'm missing them a lot.

I wanted to write another blog before I have chemo on Wednesday. If it's anything like it was last time, I think I'll be feeling pretty sick for about a week and a half. I hope not, but just in case I wanted to update before then. Plus I have a few things to talk about.

I really want to thank my mum for driving all the way out here from Maine (a 3 day drive!) and spending 10 days with me. We were able to do a lot together and it really meant a lot to me. :) So, thank you mom for being here for me and for all you did for us while you were here!! Can't wait to see you again. I miss you and Dustin and Georgie more than you know. I love you guys!

And I just want to apologize again to those family and friends who haven't heard from me. It makes me cringe when I realize how much time passes between responding to someone's e-mail, message, comment, phone call, gifts, etc. It seems like days turn into weeks, and weeks to months before I get back to people. And I feel terrible and I'm so sorry!! :( Tomorrow I plan on replying to as many messages as I can and writing as many thank you notes as I can before Wednesday's chemo.

I don't know what it is..but these days, or weeks I should say, have been harder on me emotionally. I don't know if it's the fear of the upcoming surgery or stress of decisions I have to make. But I have had moments where I am struggling not to cry and to just focus on the tasks of the day. And my mom, uncle, and Alan have seen my emotional wall crumble..crying over things that are probably not that big of a deal but for whatever reason were too much for me in that moment.

I know that I am loved. I know that people care. Every day I am reminded of these things. And inspite of it all, I know I am blessed beyond words. Battling cancer does have it's physical challenges, though I find it more of an emotional struggle than anything. I struggle with having to accept the loss of a breast, or possibly both. And out of curiosity, I want to ask my female friends this: How do you think you would deal with the loss of your breasts? (..I ask because sometimes hearing another's point-of-view can lend me ideas I never thought of and therefore help me cope.)

For me, when I look at the big picture, this is minor. There are people who go without food, clean water, and medical care everyday. And I'm selfish enough to worry about my breasts and loss of hair. It's incredible what we as human beings take for granted. There are days when I think, "I don't need breasts. It's not a big deal." Then moments later, I can't seem to accept losing them and start to feel sad. So, what is it that I'm feeling?? I've been told that at this point during treatment, most women do start to feel a little depressed. You have time to wrap your head around the reality of what your life has become. The change is extreme. But, it's a matter of life or death. And I choose to live. It's not forever. I am enduring this for a brief time and the end of chemo is closer and closer every day and my scars will fade. And..I know it could be worse.

Below is one of my favorite pictures (it's not of me..just one I found on photobucket).. But it's something I love to do when I'm going through a hard time. To sit by the ocean is incredibly therapeutic. And below the picture are some lyrics that I can really relate to at this point in my life and during treatment.

"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
I won't make it any other way"

-James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"

In closing, I just want to remind everyone again about the fundraiser July 3rd. See my last post for details. :) Again, any help is greatly appreciated!!

And please pray for my Aunt Stef and her family as she lost her dad today. It's never easy to lose a loved one and I want them to know that I'm thinking of them and love them!!

Also, please pray for my Aunt Colleen who had to put her 14 year old dog down yesterday. I know it broke her heart to do that, but I hope she finds comfort in knowing that Sid is no longer suffering.

Thanks for hearing me out..and again, please continue to be patient with me. You will hear back from me.. and I'm working hard to make sure it's this week!! :) I love you guys! xo

catching up

On my 25th birthday, with my brother's dog, Chance. :)


In Livingston, Montana last September.

I am sorry that so much time passes between entries. I always have the good intention of writing reguarly, but somehow fall off track. A lot has gone on in the past few weeks, some good news and some bad. So, I'll update you all now.

I believe I had spoken too soon after my last entry. When I said that I was feeling great, I have to admit that by that evening, I began to feel the effects of the chemo. My body started to ache more than it did on the other medicine. The fatigue was something I could not seem to overcome and I slept for the better part of almost two weeks. I hated the way I felt on the Taxol.

Not only did I have the discomfort that came with starting this medicine, I also developed a pilonidal cyst. This caused me excruciating pain and I ended up in the hospital because of it. This pain was so intense that I couldn't walk, sit, or lay down without taking percocet every 2 hours. And that hardly took the edge off the pain. Just to touch it caused instant tears. I had to go under general anesthesia and have it surgerically drained. While I was in the hospital, I was then given an IV of antibiotics throughout the night and into the morning. I didn't eat for 2 days and was put on a liquid diet during my stay there. Happy to say that it seems to be healing pretty well and I'm no longer in pain. :)

On the bright side, because of the open wound and the potential problems it could cause due to my immune deficiency, they postponed my chemo that I was to have on June 17th to June 30th. This was SUCH a relief because I was dreading starting chemo again two days after getting out of the hospital. Not only that, but it took so much out of me the last time, I never really felt like I recovered. But everyday, I feel better and better! I can't wait until I have my 8th and final treatment.. I just want to feel like myself again!

And best of all, my mom is here!! :) She arrived on June 16th (with the hopes of sitting through my chemo with me..however, I'm relieved that I get to feel good and not tired and sick during her 10 day stay here in St. Paul!) We've been getting out and doing all kinds of stuff which has been good for me. :) We've gone to the zoo, on a paddleboat ride up the Mississippi River, to Duluth (and got to see Lake Superior for the first time), to the Mall of America, had a few picnics in the park....I really wish she didn't have to leave but I will see her again in September when I have my surgery. On July 3rd she will be attending a fundraiser for me. :)

Speaking of the fundraiser, anyone in the Bangor/Calais/St. Stephen areas who would like to attend the benefit:

Spaghetti Dinner

--Holy Rosary Church, St. Stephen, New Brunswick

--July 3rd from 3-5 p.m. (Eastern time) or 4-6 p.m. (Atlantic time for my Canadian friends :)

--Ticket prices: $15 per adult or $10 for children 10 and under

--Tickets are available at Stuart's Gifts in St. Stephen, N.B. (25 Milltown Blvd) or call (506)921-0581 to speak with Katelyn.

-My mom will be selling 50/50 tickets at the door! There will also be a silent auction with prizes generously donated from local businesses! Prizes include: a $120 gift card from Beyond Bronz tanning, a $50 gift basket from Sea of Tranquility, and a free haircut from Rumours Hair Salon..as well many other items! :)

**If you can't make it to the fundraiser, but are interested in donating, please contact Katelyn or myself (e-mail: annmdweber@yahoo.com) to recieve information on where to send your donation! Any help is greatly appreciated!

Other than that, things are going well, just busy! I want to apologize to anyone who hasn't heard back from me in the past few weeks. I haven't forgotten about you, I promise! Things will start to slow down again for me this week, but just know that I love you. :)

Positives:

My mom is here. :)

Having both Alan and my mom here at the same time is awesome!!

No chemo!

The fundraiser is raising money and is such a huge help!

feeling good :)

Alan and I over Memorial Day weekend in Northern Minnesota.

So, Alan is here!! :) I'm happier than ever and am so glad to have him here with me while I finish up my treatment! We've been spending a lot of time together over the past week and a half catching up and enjoying each other's company. We went up to Frazee, MN last weekend to visit his mom and relatives for a few days. We ate great food, hung out by the lake (the weather was so beautiful and warm), played games, went on a boat ride, went fishing (he and I both caught a fish!), and just had a lot of fun . It was the most relaxed I've been in a long time. The fresh air and time spent outdoors by the lake really did a lot for my soul. And I feel great! :)

I had my 5th treatment yesterday. I'm on Taxol now. It was a 3 hour infusion and that is probably the worst part. I was pretty tired towards the end of it but I think it's from the Benadryl they give me as part of my pre-meds. Alan sat with me through the whole thing. He held my hand when the nurse was accessing my port and was very attentive the whole time we were at the hospital. I was very grateful he was there with me. :)

Today, I woke up and surprisingly felt pretty normal. Definitely a big difference in how I had been feeling after my treatmens with the Adrimyacin/Cytoxan medicines. No nausea, which was nice. Hot flashes have been happening more frequently and I think it's safe to say I may have entered menopause. I've missed two menstrual cycles, am moody, and have hot flashes pretty much everyday. Not fun but hopefully after chemo, I'll go back to my pre-menopausal ways. Other than that, my appetite is good and I don't feel that sick. And most importantly, I'm happy. :)

My mom will be here in less than two weeks and I'm really looking forward to her being here! I came back from my treatment yesterday and on the table waiting for me was a bouquet of flowers from my mom letting me know she was thinking of me. She's just so thoughtful and I'm very lucky to have her as one of my biggest supporters through all of this! :)

On July 3rd, from 4-6 p.m. (Atlantic time I believe, but I'll find out for sure and let you know), my friend Katelyn is having a fundraiser for me at the Holy Rosary church in St. Stephen, New Brunswick, Canada (it's on 5 Rose Street) for anyone in the area who can make it. I know she's put a lot of effort into putting together the event, so I hope there's a good turnout!

And a big thank you to my mom's friend Pat Sperry who made a very generous donation to my benefit checking account last week!! Every bit helps and I'm so grateful!! And also to the Angel Network for giving me $300 in grocery cards and $200 in gas cards to help me through treatment. And of course, to all my family and friends who show me constant love and support. :) I couldn't do it without you!

My friend Greg Pearce suffered a heart attack today and is at a hospital in Portland, ME. I would just like you to keep him in your prayers. He is truly one of the sweetest men I've ever met and has been such a wonderful support while I've been going through treatment. His wife was diagnosed recently with breast cancer for a second time and I ask that you keep her in your prayers, as well.

Also, I'm staying with my uncle John now. So, for those of you who have been asking about my address, just contact me and I can give you the new address.

Positives:
Alan is here! :)
My mom will be here soon! :)
I only have 3 treatments left!!
I'm happy!!
I've had lots of outdoor time and it's been so relaxing. :)

Happy days ahead!

"The Annie"

Visting Arches National Park last May. :)

So, after my last blog, lots has happened.

The following day, after being told to wait on chemo, I went in for my MUGA test. Basically, they drew blood from my port, mixed it with radioactive material, and put it back inside me through my port. They said this test is more accurate than the echocardiogram.... they just choose to do the echo more often because of the radioactive material they have to use for MUGA. I'll have one more MUGA done on June 1st. But the results came back from that showing that my heart is actually working at 59%. So, it really only dropped 7% since starting chemo. So, that was good news. :)

The day after that test, I started right back on my chemo medicine: Adrimyacin and Cytoxan. Felt pretty good the day after..and a little rough for about a week. My heart was making me nervous.. it would start to race when I was laying in bed, or seem to be exploding out of my chest if I walked up the stairs.. even when I went for a walk, it seemed to be beating as though I were jogging. I had actually told myself that I was officially done with the Adrimyacin. It wasn't worth having heart problems when I was done with chemo.

I've also been having a little bit of pain in my right breast (where I had two surgeries). Sharp shooting pains in my nipple and around the scar tissuse inside my breast. I mentioned this to my PA and she said that it's common for that to happen as the nerves begin to repair themselves (at their own rate). It makes sense, because after surgery, I felt the same type of pain on the back of my right arm as those nerves were healing. Just glad to know it wasn't anything serious.

After this treatment (my third), my friends Dan and JoAnne Schaub came to visit me on their way out to Yellowstone. I hadn't seen them since last August and it was so comforting seeing some familiar faces again! They are two of the nicest people I know and they were so generous! Going out to eat, to the movies, to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, and they bought me a Harley Davidson bandana, too! Which I love because it's such a light material that breathes well. I was sad to see them go, but I had so much fun with them! And they're back working in Yellowstone now. :) We're hoping that when Alan and I drive back out West, we can visit with them and all our friends in the park.

Yesterday I had my fourth treatment! I'm officially halfway done now!! And I'm officially done with the Adrimyacin and Cytoxan medicines. I will be starting my 5th treatment on June 2, and it will just be on Taxol. Feeling pretty good today..the side effects usually will kick in a few days after though..and they'll last about a week. Then I'm back to feeling good again..other than fatigue. And I'm pretty much bald now.. just a few patchy areas left. haha

Alan will be here in 3 days!! I am SO excited for him to get here!! I haven't seen him since February 25th, so it's been about 3 months. So, Sunday will be such a great day!! :) Plus, it's our one year anniversary that day! :)

And my mom will be here in less than 4 weeks!! She bought a car for me (cuz she is amazing and so kind and generous!) and will be driving out here June 13th and will be here on the 15th. She's going to sit with me through my 6th treatment. She's rented a cabin to stay in for about 10 days, or however long I need her to stay. I can't wait for her to get here either!! I miss her. :(

And now for some much deserved Thank You's!

My mom - for buying me a car! A 2000 Nissan Sentra. :) And for sending me flowers for every treatment I have. And for just being my biggest supporter through all of this. :)

My brother and sister - for calling in to check on me and letting me know they love me. :) And for the new polarized Ray Ban sunglasses Georgie bought me and Dustin for giving me the "Stay Strong Annie" poster from his hockey fundraiser.

Alan - for driving out here to spend the summer with me! :)

Sandra Kerr - for raising $2, 516 (Canadian) selling cookies shaped as the breast cancer ribbon. It's all going in my benefit checking account and will be such a huge help!

Cami Tracy - for sending me a beautiful cross necklace with the breast cancer ribbon on it and a bracelet with the quote " What cancer cannot do". :)

Katelyn Rodas - for putting together a fundraiser for me in St. Stephen, N.B. at the end of June or early July! Hope anyone in the area can make it! More details to follow! :)

My cousin Stan - for making a cupcake she named, "The Annie". It's beautiful and I love it! There's a picture at the top of the page. You can find her talented cupcake-making skills on Facebook under, "Cupcake Woman." :)

Aunt Bonnie - for taking me shopping, out to lunch, and to get my first pedicure. :)

Aunt Colleen - for giving me a place to stay. :)

Uncle John - for taking me out to eat, going on walks, and

taking me out on his boat. All so relaxing! :)

Dan and JoAnne - for all that they did for me while they were here! I had a great time! :)

Mike Green - for running the Susan G. Komen for the Cure in Salt Lake City on May 8th! :)

And for all the postcards, cards, e-mails, texts, and messages/comments on Facebook!! :)

I am not alone! And I will be okay. :)

Positives!

See above.

heart

This a picture of me last summer. Alan and I had gone to Old Faithful to walk around the boardwalks and were lucky enough to get to see Beehive Geyser go off. It erupts anywhere from 8 hour intervals up to a few days. This erpution lasted about 5 minutes and shot the water about 200 feet in the air. It's definitely one of the coolest things I'd ever seen.

Ok, time for another update.

This second treatment has treated me a little more..well, worse I guess is the word I'll use. But it really hasn't been awful. The morning after my second treatment I woke up sweating and feeling really weird and flu-like. Fatigue has been the side effect that's pretty constant. I get so tired after doing the simplest things. And I found that I have been getting mouth sores as well (a side effect of chemo). But really what it feels like is a bubble or a blister in my mouth..but they only last for about an hour and then they just go away. It's really weird. And I also notice that I had a dry cough the week of treatment..but that went away by the second week. I gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks. Normally I'd feel like, "Ugh, I'm so fat!".. but it's a good thing that I have an appetite and my body is getting the fuel and nutition it needs to endure something like chemotherapy. And, my hair is falling out big time. I shaved my head the Saturday after my second treatment because it was falling out in clumps..in the shower, my hands would just be covered in hair and I couldn't stand it anymore. So, the Aveda salon shaved it for free and were wonderful as always! And everyday I can see a little more balding on the top of my head. Again, just another side effect and I knew it would happen.

My cousin, Nicole, brought me to the American Cancer Society's "Look Good, Feel Better" program last Wednesday night. There were 5 other women there with me who were undergoing treatment for cancer.. 3 out of the 5 were breast cancer patients like myself. And it was interesting hearing their stories and how they're dealing with everything. I was the youngest one there.. but one of the women was only a year older than me and a breast cancer patient. So, it's really important to do those self-exams ladies! It's happening to younger and younger women. But anyway, I got a generous bag full of make-up donated from companies like: Chanel, Bobbie Brown, Mary Kay, Avon, Elizabeth Arden, Estee Lauder, and Aveda. They taught us how to put the make-up on and how to tie a scarf on our heads. I was very happy I went. There was lots of laughter and for a moment, we were just women being women, and not cancer patients.

So, today would've been my third treatment. But I had an echocardigram done on Thursday and the results from that put a halt to that treatment.. and the Adrimyacin medicine. Remember when I had mentioned that it can damage the heart? Well, it's done just that to mine. My base heart capacity (I guess that's what they'd call it?) started out working at 66%. The results from the one on Thursday showed that it had dropped to 45%. 50% is considered within the normal range and I've dropped below that.

They've given me a prescription to take that is supposed to be a 'protection' for my heart. And they're hoping that because I'm young and we're stopping the Adrimyacin that my heart will go back up on it's own. So, tomorrow I have to go in for a MUGA test. They will put this radioactive stuff in me to highlight my heart and try and get another reading to see how accurate the echocardiogram was. And after that appointment, I will meet with my oncologist to talk about a different approach for chemotherapy. He may choose to continue with the Cytoxan and then add either Taxol or Taxotere. There are lots of medicines to choose from so it's just a matter of finding another combinatioin that won't damage my heart. (The doctor's did tell me that they're currently treating a 23 year old for breast cancer and the Adrimyacin did the same thing to her.)

So, that's the update with the chemo. I just want to say thank you to the Jackman port of entry for their very thoughtful gift basket they sent me! Lots of great stuff and I really appreciate you guys thinking of me!! And a big thank you to Jenn for the beautiful flowers she sent me for my birthday! :) And also to my mom's friend Katie (a breast cancer survivor!!), who made a very generous donation to my benefit checking account. And of course to my family and friends, I really appreciate all the love and support I recieve DAILY. It keeps me going and gives me courage and hope.

So, please continue to pray and send positive thoughts my way!

I will be okay. :)

Positives!

Alan will be here in 20 days!!

I feel good.

I am looking forward to summer.

I got lots of new make-up!

I know I'm loved!

God is here with me, every step of the way.

Round #2 done - 1/4 of the way there!

This picture was taken last September in Paradise Valley in Montana. It was a family vacation we had taken..and horseback riding was on the list of things to do! So much fun! :) From left to right: Dustin, me, my mom, and Georgie.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, loving, amazing mom today!! :)

Wow.. I just realized it'd been awhile since I last posted!! Sorry guys! My first week of chemo had me feeling pretty anxious, tired, and nauseated. I had something similar to a panic attack my first night of chemo, more because of my fear of the unknown. I had no idea what side effects I would have, and I expected the worse. And lucky for me, I really can't complain! Other than the anxiety, my side effects have been pretty minimal!

Before I forget, I just want to remind everyone of how important it is to do self breast exams every month and mammograms every year. It doesn't matter if you think you're too young. I've heard of a girl as young as 14 diagnosed with breast cancer!! And I've heard of two 18 year old girls, a 20 year old, a 23 year old....and me at 26. It doesn't discriminate based on your age or race or family history. Seriously, the sooner you find it, the better chance you have of surviving!! The statistics say that 1 out of 8 women will be diagnosed in their lifetime. So, please be careful!

On April 16th, I celebrated my 27th birthday and am going to embrace every single year that I am older! I spent the day with my uncle and my second cousin. We went out to a restaurant, I had a salad that had a little bug in it..so I stopped eating it after that. haha Then we went exploring at this park. It was so nice to get out and enjoy the sun. I felt good that day. And when we got home, my aunt brought Chinese take-out (because I love Chinese!!). My mom sent me flowers, a brand new camera!! with the help of her co-workers at the port as well as a coloring book and crayons as a joke, my brother bought me an ipod and a $25 gift card for itunes, my sister gave me a Burberry bracelet, Alan sent me into tears with his very sweet, well-thought gifts including a card, a cd he had made for me, two pillowcases with pictures of us on them, and a few other things, my friend Jaclyn sent me a card and gift card, JoAnne and Dan sent me a card with 2 books and a dress, my cousin Standish sent me an adorable tanktop and card, my aunt Colleen gave me a gift card, Dayna took me to get my wig styled and out to lunch.... Honestly, I had a great birthday and I can't thank you all enough!! And for all the birthday wishes I recieved on Facebook, all the calls and texts, thank you so so much!!

On Monday the 19th, I had my second round of chemo. MUCH easier going into it now that I kn0w what to expect. My neulasta shot had kicked in, thank God, otherwise I would've had to wait a week for my white blood cell count to come back up. It was abnormally low when I went in for my follow-up the week before. They told me I had no immune system and that I had to be extremely careful. And I guess I was, because I felt fine. And I found out yesterday when I got my second shot that.... the Neulasta shot costs $9,400!! And I have to have it 8 times!! Craziness.

So, how am I feeling? I'm feeling better. I feel fortunate that I'm not suffering from the major side effects. The one difference I can feel this second time around is my scalp is sore. And I think it's because my hair will begin to fall out soon. Probably next week it'll really start to thin and when that happens, I'm heading back to the salon to get it shaved! But my wig is styled and I have two hats, so I'm ready. :)

I eat so much healthier now and exercise (walking) when I feel up to it. Diet plays a huge role in your health and it can make a difference when protecting against or fighting cancer. My mom sent me an article about eating healthy as a means to help my body fight this. Thanks mom! :)

My anxiety level is back down. I continue to pray a lot and think of ways that I can help out other cancer patients when this is all over. I've gotten some good ideas from other breast cancer survivors on thebreastcancersite.com website. Reading their stories is so inspiring! I've also found a support group for young breast cancer survivors here in Minnesota. I plan to attend next month's meeting. Actually, the lady who talked to me about the Neulasta shot is an 18 year survivor! She was stage III advanced cancer when she was diagnosed..and she's still going strong! It gives me hope. I won't let it get the best of me.

A lot of people have been asking about donations, as well. I keep forgetting to mention that my mom and I have set up a benefit checking account. I was advised not to work while going through treatment. And I haven't been able to work since February. So, if anyone does want to donate, contact me and I can give you the information for that. Please don't feel obligated!! It's ONLY if you can afford to do so. Prayers and positive thoughts are just as helpful. :)

On Sunday, I went to my second cousin's Baptism. And at mass, the priest spoke about how too often we don't find the good in our misfortunes. He spoke of needing to find the "Silver lining" in our hardships. God is there when we suffer. And I have to say that I've learned so much about myself in these past few months. I've learned what I can handle emotionally, and it's a lot more than I ever thought I could. I often hear how strong I am. But I never knew I could be until I was put in this situation. I think we're all a lot stronger than we realize. Of course I started out extremely fearful. But the more I prayed, the more people I have reaching out to me, the more I think about what I can do for other's going through this, the better I feel. I have decided to leave my life in God's hands. I will do what I can while I am here. And I hope that's a LONG time!!

In other good news, Alan is going to be staying with me this summer to help me while I go through treatment!! He's driving out here with his mom on May 21st and will stay until I'm done, which should be the first week of August. Then he and I will drive back to Utah..and from there I'll have my surgery and then radiation. But I just wanted to say how happy I am to know he will be here for me. :)

I have an amazing support system. My family, my boyfriend, and my friends have all shown me love and support from the very beginning. My brother and his hockey took a team picture after their benefit hockey game for me.. and in the front of the team was a poster that said in pink letters, "Stay stong Annie!" and it had the breast cancer awareness ribbon on it. Some of the guys even used pink tape on their hockey sticks! I was immediately brought to tears. I called my brother crying because I couldn't believe that these men I had never met, we're supporting ME. It's incredible.

I can't even tell you how much strength and courage I have because of all of you!! And I mean that in the most sincere way. You have all shown me that you care, that you love me, that you support my fight against cancer, and you continue to give me that hope that I WILL BEAT THIS. I couldn't do it without you. And for that, I'm forever grateful. :)

I will be okay. :)

Positives!
- I am feeling really good even with chemo in my system!
-I had a great birthday! Thank you!!!!
-I know I'm loved and that people are thinking and praying for me daily. :)
-Lots of people want to to fundraisers for me! So awesome!!
-I know God is with me every step of the way.

Finally started chemo!

This is a picture Alan took of me sitting under Delicate Arch last May when we went to visit Arches National Park. :)

I started this blog a few times but hadn't quite gotten around to finishing. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but this will cover the past few weeks.

After my appointment with my surgeon, I called to schedule an appoitment with my oncologist at Farmington. Dr. Molin was really pushing for me to start chemo immediately. So, I met with him last Tuesday and heard what he had to say about the medicines he wants to use (Taxotere and Cytoxan) and when he thinks I should start.

He had talked with Dr. Molin and said felt differently about my need to start chemo right away. He wanted to me to look into getting a second opinion from another surgeon because Dr. Molin wants me to have a mastectomy. He doesn't want me to have to go through that because I'm so young. So, while they each have their own opinions about what I should be doing for surgery, all I know is that I want to start chemo right away. Enough with the waiting.... But even after I told Dr. Khomani that I wanted to start chemo right away and he said I could still wait a week or two, I told him, "No, I want to start now." He said, "Okay, you can start Monday or Tuesday. You choose." Of course I told him Monday.

So.. I could've started today, but I didn't. I choose to move to Minnesota for the summer. Yes.. I finally came to decision. :) I've been here in St. Paul since Thursday night. My cousin Nicole picked me up from the airport and brought me to her mom's house. They've been taking good care of me and I felt welcomed right away. My aunt took me shopping, out to dinner, and to see Minnehaha Falls. And Nicole took her daughter Sophia and I to the Mall of America today. So, I want to thank them for doing all of those things with me. :)

Nicole's friend Dayna took me to my first appointment here in Minnesota on Friday. I met with Dr. Mathew. He gave me a very direct, straightforward plan of chemo. Apparently, because my tumor grade is a 3, it means that I have one of the most aggressive forms of cancer. However, he told me that more aggressive cancers respond better to chemotherapy. He also showed me a website, which when he enters in my information: age, overall health, estrogen receptor status, histologic grade, tumor size, nodes involved, and chemotherapy generation regime (his treatment plan) he was able to show me a graph of how many women are alive and without cancer in 10 years, how many women relapse, and how many die.

Dr. Mathew's mother had breast cancer. So, knowing that he has dealt with this cancer on a personal level was comforting. He told me that he wants to fight this cancer aggressively. He wants to add 60 years to my life. And though he said, "It won't be a walk in the park.", at least I feel confident in his ability to help me.

So, after my visit with him, I met with a surgeon. He told me that basically I could choose whether or not I wanted to do a mastectomy or another lumpectomy. And I also could choose whether or not I wanted to do the surgery before or after chemo. This was stressful for me because I'm not a doctor and I didn't know what was best for me. But I had to trust that he wouldn't have given me those options unless he really supported them.

I chose to start with chemo and will follow that with a mastectomy after treatment. I would rather not have to risk a fourth surgery by going for another lumpectomy and woud rather have the piece of mind that comes with knowing that that diseased tissue is out of my body. Starting with chemo was really important to me and I'm glad I chose to start that right away. It will be eight treatments done every two weeks. So, it's a much faster and more aggressive treatment plan than Dr. Khomani had made. But I trust this plan. I want to fight it aggressively.

I've had x-rays done and an echocardiogram to get a base heart rate for me. The Adrimyacin medicine that I will be on for the first 4 sessions has been known to cause heart damage. On top of blood work, I will have an echocardiogram done every two weeks, before I have another treatment. If for any reason, my heart appears to be damaged or not working as well as it was, then they will stop using the medicine. But they told me my hearts in good shape, so hopefully it will continue to stay strong.

My aunt and I went to Easter mass on Sunday and I'm really happy that I went. It was the day before I started chemo and I was extremely nervous about it. The priest spoke of how when we suffer, God suffers, too. And that the more we love someone, the deeper we hurt for them. And most importantly, that we are never alone. God is always there. The entire mass I held back tears but the moment I was out of there I couldn't help but cry. I am scared and have been since I was diagnosed. But I found so much comfort from that mass that I plan to meet personally with this priest to talk with him about my illness and hope that he can guide me and pray for me.

I went in for my first chemo treatment on Monday. Nicole and I sat and talked with the pharmacist who answered all of my questions. She was very patient because I know some of my questions were one's that I should've asked my oncologist, but she answered what she could and was a really nice lady. I also really liked my nurse. Everyone was great. :)

I'm starting my first four treatments on Cytoxan and Adrimyacin. My last four treatments will just be on Taxotere. So far, all I've really felt is nausea. The first night I had extreme anxiety and fear of the side effects that should show up by the end of the week. Luckily I have a lot of people there to help calm me down and just tell me that I'll be okay and what I was feeling was just anxiety.

I've had my neulasta shot to help my bone marrow produce more white blood cells. I was told I might feel some discomfort today from that.. but thankfully I haven't felt anything. The nausea has really been the only thing that has remained mild and constant. But I have all top of the line nausea meds, so if I just let myself calm down, then I'm sure I will eventually be able to cope with that! :)

Last week, Nicole took me the Aveda Salon so I could cut my hair short. They were so amazing there, I couldn't believe how nice everyone was! The haircut was normally $100, but they gave it to me for free. And once my hair does start to fall out, I can go in to get my head shaved. They also will style my wig and give me massages, pedicures, manicures, etc. all for free! And the American Cancer Society gave me a wig made from real hair for free before I started treatment. I just have to get it styled, but it's a dirty blonde color about shoulder length.. I think it's pretty. :) And they also gave me a few hats to sleep with so my head doesn't get cold at night. I have to say that cancer patients are treated so incredibly well. People just want to help make things easier on you. I really hope that all sick people recieve care like I've been getting. Once my hair does grow back, I'm going to donate it to the American Cancer Society. Hopefully someone else can use it while they go throught treatment. :)

And I'm still recieving lots of phone calls, gifts, cards, postcards, flowers, candy, meals, transportation, books, etc. A guy my mom works with signed me up for 3 months of Netflix to entertain me while I go through treatment. I am so very grateful for everyone that is trying so hard to show me that they care! I can't even begin to describe how much it means to me. So, thank you so much!! And if you haven't heard from me, please bear with me! I'm not ignoring you, I've just had a lot on my mind. But just know that I do appreciate everything you're doing to help! :) Just keep praying for me!!

I will be okay. :)

Positives!

My family and friends have been so supportive!

My boyfriend is amazing!

I have finally started chemo! One down, 7 more to go!

Spring is here!

My birthday is coming up!

I know I'm loved by so many people!

I trust in the Lord to get me through this!