Radiation

It snowed today! I'm very excited. :)

Ok, so I met with my radiation oncologist this morning and he went over various things regarding radiation treatment: why it's important, why I need it, how it will be done, for how long and the side effects.

I've been away from treatment for about 3 months now and I forgot how scary it is for me being in the hospital for treatment. :( When he briefly talked about statistics and reccurence I felt myself being consumed in fear, yet again. I've been so busy with everything going on in my life that, even though I think about breast cancer every single day, I don't really carry that deep fear that I get when the doctors talk to me about what I may or may not be faced with down the road. Being reminded of the reality of my situation is always difficult.

But then again, I never know what tomorrow holds. None of us do. That's why living one day at a time is so important and valuable.

So here's the game plan:
Friday at 3:00 p.m. I will go to Huntsman Cancer Institute to get tattoos (they are permanent little dots that allow for alignment in the machine, as well as noting where I've been radiated because you can never radiate the same area twice). They are also going to capture a 'mould' or image of me that they will use to help guide them.

And I should actually start radiation next week. I'm ready.

I was also given a prescription to get a prosthetic to put in my bra so that I can finally feel and look like a woman again. It's been a little discouraging wearing any fitted shirt because of the obvious lack of a right breast. So, this is good news. :)

words to live by

An autumn scene by my favorite painter, Thomas Kinkade :)


I believe that....

-a birth certificate shows that we were born; a death certificate shows that we died; pictures show that we lived!

- no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

- you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

- it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

-we are responsible for what we do.

-either you control your attitude or it controls you.

-heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

-money is a lousy way of keeping score.

-maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

-our background and circumstances my have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

-two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

-credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

-the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything: they just make the best of everything they have.

Fall is in the air

Today actually felt like fall. It's been raining since last night and that crisp, autumn air is more noticeable during the day, and especially at night. The leaves are now bright yellow and many have fallen, paving the roads. I love it. :)

I've had a very busy weekend. Friday night, Alan showed up at my apartment with flowers and two of my favorite treats (Mountain Dew and Sour Patch Kids). :) I have a great guy and thank God for him all the time! We hung out and watched episodes of Entourage until he had to go to work. After he left, I went with three girls from the University of Utah (one of which Alan works with) to Thanksgiving Point. We did a corn maze then a haunted corn maze, ending the night with some pumpkin picking. It was so much fun! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.:)

Today, Alan and I went to lunch with Dr. Hogle. Afterwards, we went back to his house and spent about 3 hours with him, listening to his stories of hunting and traveling, as he showed us his photography from over the years and later his trophy room full of mounted bull elk, stuffed bears and even a cougar. He has lived a very exciting and fulfilling life and has so much to be proud of!

Some of you may know that I absolutely love photography. So, after seeing all of his pictures of beautiful bull elk in the Salt Lake area, I suggested that he and I go for a drive and he show me the hot spots so I could get some use out of my new camera. He gladly accepted my offer and we plan to do that in about 2 weeks. :) He is just such a kind-hearted, loving man and I'm so grateful to have met him and have him as a friend.

Also, I'm moving to Sandy, Utah at the end of this month! It's a good move for me as it's more affordable, closer to Alan, school and my job! Needless to say, I'm very excited about this. :)

I have my first consultation regarding radiation this Tuesday morning at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. FINALLY!! It's been long awaited and I'm ready to get this next phase of treatment started and finished! I'll be sure to post on Tuesday what the gameplan is. xo

The River

I was listening to music on my iTunes today when I heard this song. It got me thinking (and maybe even crying a little!). These lyrics are just so empowering and true! So, I thought I'd share them with you and hopefully you'll remember the message behind the song. There's a music video at the bottom if you want to listen to the song while you read the lyrics. :) The parts I love most are in bold.

The River by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfiedChoose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

GARTH BROOKS - THE RIVER

deep breath

A picture I took in Minnesota while out on my unce's boat.

School started for me last week. I'm actually very glad to be back taking classes and keeping my mind busy. I'm only going part-time, taking Global Citizenship (required) and Biology, as I was advised radiation will cause a great deal of fatigue.

Aside from school, I've been trying to get my next step in this breast cancer journey started: Radiation

I should've started by now.. and am a little frustrated and nervous because I haven't. I contacted the lady I need to about getting my Breast Cancer Medicaid in order so that I can meet with a Radiation Oncologist. But it seems to always be a waiting game...

Deep breath.

Last night, I went with Alan to his Uncle Pete's birthday party. While there, I met a former breast cancer surgeon from Salt Lake City, who apparently is very well-known and respected in the area. His name is Dr. Hugh Hogle. (I didn't know this until after I had a conversation with him and Alan told me that I had basically just talked to a celebrity.)

He was sitting on the couch and I had made eye contact with him, smiled and looked back down at my plate of food. Something about the way he had looked at me said he wanted to talk to me and when I looked back up at him, I saw him waving for me to come over. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on my arm as he tried to explain that he used to be a breast cancer surgeon. I say "tried", because after sitting with him for a few minutes, I could tell that it was very difficult for him to say what he wanted to. He struggled to get the words out and would say, "Watch." as he drew a word or a number in the air with his finger. At one point he called his wife over and she explained to me that he had a stroke 15 years ago while fishing in Brazil, which unfortunately altered his ability to continue his practice. It left him with limited mobility of his right arm and diffulty with speech.

I sat with him for a while, as he wanted to know about my surgery and where I was from. When I told him I was from Maine, he told me how he went to an all-boys boarding school just outside of Boston. He knew of Mercy Hospital where I had all three surgeries and he had been to Minneapolis (to my knowledge, not the same hospital). It was more than obvious to me that he had a great love for what he did as a breast cancer surgeon. I found out later that his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy.

He still meets with some of his former patients once-a-month for breakfast and is every bit passionate about helping women diagnosed with the disease. In 1996, he wrote a book called, "Our Gift of Love", which consists of some of his former patients' individual breast cancer stories. He invited me to join them for breakfast, as I told him how lonely it is for me here in Salt Lake City not knowing anyone going through breast cancer. What a blessing this connection is for me! And he even offered to give me a copy of his book, which I am very eager to read! When I said goodbye to him, he gave me a big hug and I knew that this man truly cared about my well-being (both physical and emotional). He came in to my life for a reason. :)

Inspite of all that I worry about day-to-day, I am still happy. I continue to remind myself that it could be a lot worse. Even in the face of adversity, I have to persevere. Each day is a new day and I must do what I can with it. I still plan for the future and hope that I have the chance to make a difference in someone's life because of what I've gone through. Just as Dr. Hogle did for me. :)

I really think this quote says it all:

wisdom from a bear

I just happened to stumble across a quote from Winnie the Pooh - who I haven't paid much attention to since I was a child - and was surprised by how profound the things he says really are. I thought I'd share a few. :)


"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."

"Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo."

"A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference."

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day."

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear."

"Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known."

It's officially..

Breast Cancer Awareness Month!! Yay!! :)

After yesterday, I needed a day like today. Good news right from the start!

So, my sister has had a donation bucket set up at her place of work.

She called this morning to tell me that her boss had called her, saying that a large check was just dropped off for me. He didn't mention the amount of the check and basically just said she should go there to get it asap.

We had NO IDEA it was going to be....

$500.00!!

From an anonymous donor, no less. I was floored by that man's (whoever he is!) generosity!! Bless his heart. :) And a big thank you to him!

I think it was an angel that God sent because He knew that yesterday was such an emotionally draining day. Stress over school, work, radiation and an apartment I can't really afford.. then on top of that, my grandmother passing away.. it was just too much for me and I literally cried ALL day.
Along with the blessing of the donation, I woke up feeling better than I have in the last 5 days. I had more energy to unpack and get my apartment looking more like a home. Just a good day overall. God answered another prayer. :)

So, like I had mentioned earlier, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

What can you do to show your support??

1. Get a mammogram or do a monthly breast exam. (very important!)
2. Wear pink.
3. Donate to Susan G. Komen or any affiliate of breast cancer research.
4. Shop at www.thebreastcancersite.com
5. Keep praying for a cure. Anything is possible with God.
6. Encourage your friends and family to get mammograms.
7. Knit a hat for a cancer patient.
8. Send a card or flowers to someone newly diagnosed or even a survivor!
9. Offer to run errands or make dinner for someone that is sick from treatment.
10. Save and mail your lids from Yoplait or enter the codes online.