How am I doing now?

It's been over 6 months since I last upated. In that time, I celebrated my 28th birthday, walked in Salt Lake City's Susan G. Komen race, spent a summer working in Yellowstone, got a job working as a daycare teacher,and attended a Survivor luncheon put on by Susan G. Komen. I've also had my first haircut in a year. See the picture below:


It's that time of year again where I go in for my check-ups, bloodwork,and testing. I had bloodwork done last Thursday and will meet with my oncologist, Dr. Werner, on Monday. I'm praying that everything will come back normal as I haven't been feeling all that great lately. I have a really bad cough that started over the summer and has progressively gotten worse over the last week. I also have an MRI of the left breast on October 28th. Again, hoping for all good news when these results come back. It's always nerve-wracking to have to wait for these things, but no matter what happens, I trust Jesus.

I haven't lost any weight like I'd hoped I would. I've gone back to my nutrionist and personal trainer with the hopes that I can get this weight off. I realize I'm an emotional eater. When I am stressed out, I often turn to food. I'm trying to find healthier alternatives, but I find that I struggle with this.

Another thing I've noticed since I've been on the "survivor" side of all this, is that when all the treatment is done and you're thrown back into the real world again, it is very difficult to adjust. At least it has been for me. My priorities have changed. I'm still very sensitive about this topic. I still cry often when I think about it. I have the daily reminder every day when I look down at my chest and see that scar that was once my breast. I feel as though I've become withdrawn in an effort to find myself again. I feel as though people my age just can't understand or relate. I feel different. I just want to go one day without thinking about cancer. I want to think that this cough is maybe just allergies or a cold, not lung cancer. I know it takes time to overcome these feelings and concerns, but for now, they are haunting me.

One other thing that has been on my mind lately is my desire to move back to Maine. I miss my family and friends there. I miss the ocean. I really miss all that's familiar to me and I really just want to go back to a place where I know I have people that love me. Being here in Utah has been difficult to adjust and I think with the way I've been feeling, I really need to be around people that care about me. If I can afford to, I plan to move back this spring or summer.

Breast cancer had become my world and now I am trying to figure out how to let go of that and start living life - my second chance. I have taken full advantage of the Wellness Center at Huntsman Cancer Hospital: yoga, acupuncture, zumba, seeing a nutritionist, and attending cicuit training. I know I will find my way again, it has just been a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I just need to let go, breathe, and take it one day at a time.

Spring has sprung :)

This spring will be different for me and I am so ready for the fresh start. :) No chemo. No shots. No pain. And my hair will only keep getting longer, not falling out. It feels so good to know that this year will be different.

So, let's see. I never updated about my trip to Florida. It was amazing! I saw my mom for the first time since September, my aunt who I hadn't seen since August, and two of my cousins whom I hadn't seen in years. It was great catching up with all of them and meeting my cousin Alex's wife, Melissa. The weather was beautiful and warm all four days we were there. Disney was amazing and I swear we walked close to ten miles that day! (I lost 3 pounds when I got back from that trip!) The conference was really quite incredible. I was surrounded by women my age who knew and understood what I had gone through. Some of them were still in treatment, wearing bandanas or hats to cover up their baldness. We were given different colored lei's depending on our situation. For example, white meant you were less than a year out from diagnosis, green was 1-5 years out, and so on. I caught myself seeing a young woman with a white or green lei and thinking, "Wow, she looks really young." And then I'd remember.... I'm young, too.

I often hear, "You're really young to have breast cancer." However, it happened. And there were hundreds of women as young or younger than me who had been diagnosed. The picture below is the group photo from the conference. I'm in the front row on the left side, wearing white pants and a purple tank top. There were women from TEN different countries there: Canada, Colombia, Germany, Ireland, Isreal, New Zealand, Philippines, UK, USA, and Zambia

Kinda crazy to think all of these woman were diagnosed under the age of 40, isn't it?



Overall, it was a great trip and great experience. I miss my family but I'm really grateful I was able to spend even four days with them. :)







My most recent trip was to Oregon to visit my great uncle Sonny and aunt Olga. Alan came along and we had a lot of fun! We were spoiled rotten by them, ate very well, and got to see the sights of Oregon. We went to a museum, an Indian casino, and on the last night, we went out to dinner. From there, we went to California to see the Pacific and explore the Redwood Forest. I was in absolute awe by that place. Those trees are so enchanting and beautiful. The history they hold and what those trees have endured through time is incredible. If you've never been, I highly recommend you see it at least once in your lifetime.



The Pacific coast was beautiful, as well. We had fun on the beach! (I had a cold so I didn't take my shoes off, but Alan had a good time!) :)








In health news, I'm still feeling well. I've been eating right and exercising. Last time I checked in with my nutritionist, I was down 8 lbs! It has been very encouraging.

Also, I will be having a colonoscopy on April 19th because I want to make extra sure there is nothing wrong with my GI tract. If my body continues to feel as well as it has, I may cancel it. The doctors kept telling me to just give my body 6 months to a year to feel normal again. So, I will keep you all posted on that issue.

Until next time, enjoy the warmer weather! :)

Love,
Annie xx

Recalling the first surgery

It was one year ago today that I endured my first lumpectomy. I remember being relieved that the tumor would finally be removed from my body. Everything happened so quickly, it all seems like a blur when I think back to that day. Dr. Molin was wonderful though. My mom, sister, and brother were all there that day. I remember when I came out of surgery, groggy from the anethesia, and seeing them all standing at the foot of my bed. I remember Dr. Molin coming into my post-op room, leaning over me, and saying, "This is curable." I remember I started crying, not because I was in pain, but because I was so incredibly overwhelmed with what was happening to me. I suppose a part of me was hoping to wake up from this nightmare and have it be just that. But little did I know what lay ahead of me in those following months. Exactly one week later, I would be back in surgery again, in attempt to remove all of the cancer in my breast.

One Thousand Gifts

There is nothing health-wise to update on (thank God). But the Conference for Young Women affected by breast cancer is only 4 days away!! I am very excited about this for a few reasons:

1. I get to see my mom and aunt and cousins.
2. I get to meet hundreds of other women going through what I did, but who are my age.
3. I get to be in 75-80 degree weather.
4. I get to spend a day at Disney World.

Needless to say, I have a lot to look forward to this week. :)

I completed my CNA training last Friday and passed both my written and skills tests. When I get back from Florida, I plan to take my state testing so I can be a Certified Nursing Assitant.

I met some wonderful people at the Care Center I trained at. The elderly have such grace and wisdom that can only come through years and years of experience with all that life throws at you. Their ability tolerate what others would probably complain about is incredible. I met one lady, age 86, who only recently became legally blind. I talked with her for quite awhile. I told her of my diagnosis with cancer and she, without hesitation, told me that God would take care of me. That I would live a long time and I needn't worry. And she told me she would pray for me, that prayers do work.

I had a few of the women tell me that they would pray for me. For me, it is so comforting to hear. Though I am done with treatment, it doesn't necessarily mean I am out of the clear. Most would probably tell me to think positive, which I do, but I also have to be realistic. There is a difference and I have to accept that nothing is guaranteed. But what I do know for sure is that, "Faith brings the gift of new beginnings just when we need them."

God has given me another chance at life. I am constantly planning for my future. There is a lot that I want to see, a lot of things I want to do, and I am working towards accomplishing all that I can in this short life, cancer or no cancer. I suppose that is one of the greatest gifts to come out of this experience. I am learning to stop saying, "There's always tomorrow." Tomorrow is never guaranteed, and not only that, you never know what it may bring. I am a walking example of how quickly life can change in a matter of seconds.


A fellow sister within the realm of breast cancer told me of a book called, "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp. This sparked my curiousity and I researched it. I have to say, I am in love with this idea. It encourages readers to write down at least three things, every day, that you are thankful for. The author began writing her 'One Thousand Gifts' and it is all very inspiring. Below is a video that correlates with the book:




With cancer, a lot of emotions consume you. A lot of negative emotions, at that. I've learned how important it is to stay focused on a positive light and sometimes that takes not only work, but daily reminders. I am going to practice this idea and I hope you will, too. :)

Love,
Annie xx

Busy bee

The past few weeks have been very busy for me, hence the busy bee. ;)

I started a CNA training class that runs for three weeks, Monday-Thursday from 9-3, and on Friday's we do our clinicals at an assisted living center. Not only that, but I'm still working a few days a week (closing shifts). So sometimes my day can be 10+ hours. It's exhausting, but worth it.

All that aside, I am feeling pretty good. No pain or anything. However, I feel as though my GI tract is still not back to normal from when I first began chemo. I explained my symptoms to Dr. Werner when I saw her a few weeks ago. She said that it was pretty normal and that it may not go back to it's pre-chemo state for about 6-12 months out from my last treatment. I'm hoping it does sooner than July. But if I still have concerns, she set me up with a GI doctor. I may need to have a colonoscopy if it doesn't go back to normal. Yikes.

Also, my stamina is not where I would like it to be. But it could just be the long days....

One big plus, is that my hair is getting longer and longer..and curly!! :)

I went to my first training session at the Wellness Center last Thursday. I'm still hoping to run the entire 5k on April 16th without stopping. Unfortunately, since starting the CNA training, I haven't had the time or energy to train for it. Also, I NEED to start eating better. I have a food journal but have only logged one day's worth of information since I got it.

Goals for next week:
Walking after each class for 30 min.
Eat better!

And lastly, I will be in Florida two weeks from today!! :) I am so excited to meet all of the other young women who know and understand what I have been through. And more than anything, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY MOM!! And my Aunt Stef and cousins, Theresa and Alex! Should be fun!! xx

Spring will be here soon!!!!

One year ago

Yes, it has officially been one year since my diagnosis. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. When I reflect back to when I first heard the doctor say, "I'm sorry to tell you this..but the results did come back as cancer.", I remember how my mind went numb and I just started to cry. I remember feeling denial and disbelief for weeks following that day. I remember crying mostly out of frustration because the cancer was interfering with my happiness and with my life. I had plans and cancer was ruining all of them. I was mad. I was at myself for not taking better care of myself, thinking it was all my fault that this happened. And I just wanted to believe that they had made some sort of mistake, that it couldn't possibly be happening to me.

And when it finally sank in, I begged God not to let me die. And I cried. A lot.

I remember everything happening so quickly. I was constantly seeing doctors, having tests done, prepping for surgery, waiting for results, going back into surgery, waiting for results, deciding when to start chemo, deciding what chemotherapy drugs to take, for how long, where, and waiting some more....

My life had become a whirlwind of medical terms I didn't understand and I was scared. I hated hearing the hushed conversation between my doctors, nurses, and mom. I hated sitting in a chair, as the center of attention, and having them all stand around me, looking at me, and telling me what to expect from all of these treatments. It was so hard to hear that my cancer was aggressive. It was hard to hear that my hair would fall out. Everything was so completely overwhelming and frightening.

But it wasn't all bad. In fact, I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise.

Right from start, once I had the courage to tell everyone that I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, came the most beautiful outpouring of love and support from family, friends, other women who had been through it, and people I didn't even know. Alan stayed with me through it all, proving to be a stronger man than most. I was able to know my dad's side of the family better after spending my summer with them while I went through chemo. I heard from friends and family I hadn't seen in years and so many reached out to me. I found God again and He has been the one I reach out to the most when it gets really tough.

I had a very, very difficult year physically and emotionally. But it was a beautiful experience in that it taught me a lot about myself. I think I was able to help others remember that life is precious. I came to realize I was a fighter and I have a lot more strength than I thought. But I believe we're all a lot stronger than we think. :)

Here's to putting that year behind me.

I love you guys. Thanks for all that you've done for me. You know I couldn't have done it without you. xx

A new beginning

I am long overdue to update my blog. Much has happened in the almost two months since I last posted. And I am happy to say it is all good news! :) So, I left off when I was still going through radiation. Thankfully, I have completed all 30 treatments. :)

They started off with not much as far as pain goes, but by the second week, I was very red. By the third week, I was waking up in the night because it felt like my skin was on fire. And at the end, I had begun to peel. The worst of it seemed to be in the area in which the tumor was located. Fatigue was also a major side effect. By 7:30 p.m. every night I was ready for bed. I also had to wear this soft barrier called mepilex in between my arm and radiated area under my armpit every time I worked because the rubbing caused so much pain (due to the burns).

Fortunately, my skin has come back healthy and smooth and my energy is back. The only real indication that I even had radiation is the tanning of my skin that will more than likely remain for quite some time. But now I can breathe. :)

I AM IN REMISSION!!!!


After radiation and school ended, and Christmas past, I took about eight days off from work to just RELAX. I had been going non-stop for two long and tiring months and I just need to have a week to do nothing. Alan and I had another great Christmas together. :) We went to two Christmas parties at his aunt's house and spent about a week at his parent's house. Our friend Lexi took some Christmas pictures of us and they turned out amazing!! Thank you Lexi! :) We rang in the New Year with friends, played Cranium and Clue, ate all kinds of food, and drank champagne as the ball dropped. It was a lot of fun and I have had a wonderful 2011! :)

So, what has been going on this year? Lots of follow-up appointments and testing.


I started taking Tamoxifen to help block estrogen. There are a lot of potential side effects that can occur by taking the medicine, but the benefits outweight those side effects. So far I haven't had any problems with it.

I had a Pap, an ultrasound of my pelvis (uterus, ovaries, endometrial lining), and a mammogram done this month. All came back normal and I am very grateful for that!

This Friday I am having physical fitness assessment and meeting with a nutritionist to help guide me back to a healthier lifestyle. I gained about 25 lbs last year and I really want to take that weight off and then some. I'm ready for that change! As a motivator, Alan told me that when I lose the weight I want to, he will buy me a dog (from a shelter, of course!). I have been wanting a dog for years. And that dog could go walking/running with me! :)


Next month, I am attending the Conference for Young Women affected by breast cancer in Orlando, Florida. My mum, Aunt Stef, and cousin Theresa will all be joining me. I can't wait!! We will be going to Magic Kingdom and Epcot the day before the conference starts, which will be so much fun!


So that's pretty much what's been going on with me. :) I am happy and healthy, by the grace of God and thanks to all of you!

Miles to go before I sleep

The last stanza reminds me of my radiation treatment and how long it takes to get through the 30 days of treatment (6 weeks total). Miles to go before I sleep.... Hanging in there though.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

By: Robert Frost

One of my radiation therapists gave me this pillow yesterday before my treatment. I absolutely love it. :)

Count your blessings

I wish I could be with my family and relatives this Thanksgiving, especially with all that I've been through this year. Although I love living in the West, it does make it particularly difficult to spend time with them because of the cost of travel. I hope that next year I will have the money to afford a trip to Maine (or New York) for Thanksgiving.

I am very grateful for Alan and his family for inviting me to share their Thanksgiving dinner with them so I don't have to spend it alone. This will be my second time spending the holiday with them. I'm making a Three Bean Bake to contribute to the dinner. :)

I will be calling my mom, brother, sister and uncle tomorrow to wish them a very Happy Thanksgiving and I look forward to hearing their voices.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And remember to be thankful all year 'round.

"Thankful for all things let us be,
Though there be woes and misery;
Lessons they bring us for our good-
Later 'twill all be understood.

Thankful for friends and loved ones, too,
Thankful for all things, good and true,
Thankful for harvest in the fall,
Thankful to Him who gave it all."

Snowed In

It's a cold and stormy night out there. Salt Lake City is getting it's first good snowstorm of the season. I'm laying in bed with my cat cuddled up next to me, feeling blessed to have warmth and shelter on a night like tonight.

I just wanted to update you on how radiation is going. I've had 5 treatments so far. My skin is beginning to get a little red, but there's no pain. I have 25 more treatments to go, and expect to be done between Christmas and New Year's Day.

I woke up this morning with horrible pain in my right hip, to the point where I could hardly walk. It's gone away for the most part, however I can still feel it. It's amazing what a diagnosis of cancer can do you to. My first thought was, "Oh no. The cancer has metastisized to my bone." It creates this paranoia that's hard to shake, and I am trying to sum it up to the idea that maybe I just slept on it wrong. I'll keep you posted.

As far as other side effects: FATIGUE. I am finding myself exhausted by about 7:00p.m. I have no energy. I'm gaining weight like crazy. Even when I eat right, I'm not losing the weight because I am not exercising. So I now have to challenge myself to get up, go for a walk and then take a nap if I have to. Pray for God to give me strength. And aside from a constant headache all day, things are going well. School is going well. I have an 'A' in Biology which was so exciting to see! And next week, I don't have class, so that will be a nice break.

Hope you all have a nice weekend! Stay warm. :)

Royal Wedding

I know this has nothing to do with breast cancer, but it's an exciting day for me as my celebrity crush for the last 15 years has announced his engagement! :) I know, I'm ridiculous, but I just can't help myself. :) Anyway, congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton!

She dresses like a princess already. :)

I've attached the link so you can read about it and watch the video of them talking to the press. :) (Just click on the sentence below.)

Prince William and Kate Middleton speak about their engagement - watch the video here - mirror.co.uk

He gave Kate his late mother's engagement ring because as he stated: "It was my way of making sure my mother didn't miss out on today and the excitement, and the fact that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together."

I thought that was incredibly thoughtful of him. And I'm sure she is very happy for him. :)

I'm really looking forward to watching that event unfold on television next year. I with them all the best for the future! (Even though I wish it were me..) haha I'm just kidding. :)

I have my prince. :)

28 days and counting

I really like these pictures from the website, www.yourtruenature.com This one is appropriate in that it calls for patience. I'm so anxious because I am so close to being done with treatment!! But I've heard it goes by fast.. so I just need to be patient. :)

And so I have begun this last leg of my breast cancer journey. I started radiation on Thursday, November 11th. My prescription calls for 30 days total of treatment and I estimate that I will be done on Christmas Eve (if they're open that day). If they are closed, then it will be December 27th.

The radiation therapists are very kind. They like to joke around with me and (for some reason) think I 'have a great sense of style'. :) They love my purse. They love my necklace. They love my jeans. I walk out of there feeling fabulous!

The radiation is quick and painless. I get to Radiation Oncology, check-in and go right to the dressing room. I change into a hospital gown (leaving the lower half dressed) and sit briefly in the waiting room. Once they call me in, I just walk back to the radiating room, lie down and they mark me and line me up under the machine. Then I just lay there with my arms up over my head, gown open over my mastectomy site and watch the machine rotate around me as I listen to country music. Five minutes later, I'm back in the changing rooom and out the door headed home.

Like I said, quick and painless! :) And that's that. More updates soon! xo

mixed it up

The chaos of this closet is basically how my bedroom looks since I haven't had a chance to unpack or clean since I moved in a week ago.

Due to unorganization or perhaps just a mind-slip, I missed my radiation appointment (for the 'dry run') today. I thought it was at 3:00 p.m. and apparently it was at 11:00 a.m. Not to worry, they rescheduled it for tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.

Goal for the day: Get my bedroom to look like this:



..or at least something like that. :) I'll update again on Wednesday. They told me that they will make the schedule for my radiation (for the next 6 1/2 weeks), following the 'dry run'.

tattoos and tears

Sorry I didn't update sooner. Last week was incredibly busy.

You're probably wondering how it went getting my tattoos and mould for radiation. Well, it hurt. The tattoos did anyway. Hence the title, "tattos and tears".

I arrived at the Hunstman Cancer Hospital, checked in and was led to a dressing room. I was advised to change into a hospital gown but to leave my lower half dressed. After changing, I sat in a waiting room with two other women dressed the same way. I only had to wait about 5 minutes before my name was called. I followed one of the radiation therapists (who was dressed as a ladybug for Halloween) into a room where a CT scan machine was waiting, as well as another radiation therapist (dressed as a bumble bee).

They had me lay down on my back with the gown opening in the front. I had to put my arms up over my head and turn my head to the left. As I lay there, one of the therapists put stickers all over the right side of my chest (basically circling my mastectomy scar) while the other therapist prepared the mould. When she was done preparing it, she brought it over and asked me to sit up as she slid it underneath my head and neck then had me lay back down with my arms back up over my head. I had to lay completely still as the watery substance began to harden around me.

While that was going on, a doctor came in to examine my breast and the sticker placement that the other therapist had plastered on me. Then Dr. Poppe came in and approved of the placement. (Somewhere during all of this, my eyes began to well up with tears. I fought it hard, but to no avail. I suppose it was from a combination of things: embarassment of my naked, exposed upper body, fear and anxiety from being back in the hospital again, and probably frustration because I just want to get on with my life and not have to do all of this stuff anymore. Whatever it was, they streamed down my cheeks slowly but surely as I went in and out of the CT machine. The bumble bee told me that this was the one place I didn't have to be strong and it was okay to cry. And with that, the tears fell a little faster.) I went in and out of the CT scan machine a few times as they planned and plotted around my right lung and any other organ that might be affected by the radiation. Once that was done, I could finally put my arms down as the mould was hardened completely.

Now for the painful part. The bumblebee removed the stickers, which pinched and pulled. She was also the one to tattoo me. She stamped me in six different places: once on the outside of both my breasts along the ribcage, a few times around my former right breast and once on my upper stomach where the top of my right lung is. Then she took what looked like a thumb tac with a slight bend at the end of it and pressed it onto each stamped dot. Imagine someone sticking a tac into your chest, stomach and ribcage. Yup. I cried again. It was not fun. But at least I got to go home after that.

On a happy note, I have completely moved into a new apartment. Alan and I went to a Utah Jazz game last night and watched them beat the Toronto Raptors. We had a great time and laughed all night at the Jazz Bear as he did all kinds of crazy stuff as he worked the crowd. :) School is keeping me busy and I was able to get a work release form from Dr. Poppe so I can go back to work now! :)

I still have JOY in my heart inspite of the pain. I am not alone. xo

Radiation

It snowed today! I'm very excited. :)

Ok, so I met with my radiation oncologist this morning and he went over various things regarding radiation treatment: why it's important, why I need it, how it will be done, for how long and the side effects.

I've been away from treatment for about 3 months now and I forgot how scary it is for me being in the hospital for treatment. :( When he briefly talked about statistics and reccurence I felt myself being consumed in fear, yet again. I've been so busy with everything going on in my life that, even though I think about breast cancer every single day, I don't really carry that deep fear that I get when the doctors talk to me about what I may or may not be faced with down the road. Being reminded of the reality of my situation is always difficult.

But then again, I never know what tomorrow holds. None of us do. That's why living one day at a time is so important and valuable.

So here's the game plan:
Friday at 3:00 p.m. I will go to Huntsman Cancer Institute to get tattoos (they are permanent little dots that allow for alignment in the machine, as well as noting where I've been radiated because you can never radiate the same area twice). They are also going to capture a 'mould' or image of me that they will use to help guide them.

And I should actually start radiation next week. I'm ready.

I was also given a prescription to get a prosthetic to put in my bra so that I can finally feel and look like a woman again. It's been a little discouraging wearing any fitted shirt because of the obvious lack of a right breast. So, this is good news. :)

words to live by

An autumn scene by my favorite painter, Thomas Kinkade :)


I believe that....

-a birth certificate shows that we were born; a death certificate shows that we died; pictures show that we lived!

- no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

- you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

- it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

-we are responsible for what we do.

-either you control your attitude or it controls you.

-heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

-money is a lousy way of keeping score.

-maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

-our background and circumstances my have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

-two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

-credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

-the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything: they just make the best of everything they have.

Fall is in the air

Today actually felt like fall. It's been raining since last night and that crisp, autumn air is more noticeable during the day, and especially at night. The leaves are now bright yellow and many have fallen, paving the roads. I love it. :)

I've had a very busy weekend. Friday night, Alan showed up at my apartment with flowers and two of my favorite treats (Mountain Dew and Sour Patch Kids). :) I have a great guy and thank God for him all the time! We hung out and watched episodes of Entourage until he had to go to work. After he left, I went with three girls from the University of Utah (one of which Alan works with) to Thanksgiving Point. We did a corn maze then a haunted corn maze, ending the night with some pumpkin picking. It was so much fun! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.:)

Today, Alan and I went to lunch with Dr. Hogle. Afterwards, we went back to his house and spent about 3 hours with him, listening to his stories of hunting and traveling, as he showed us his photography from over the years and later his trophy room full of mounted bull elk, stuffed bears and even a cougar. He has lived a very exciting and fulfilling life and has so much to be proud of!

Some of you may know that I absolutely love photography. So, after seeing all of his pictures of beautiful bull elk in the Salt Lake area, I suggested that he and I go for a drive and he show me the hot spots so I could get some use out of my new camera. He gladly accepted my offer and we plan to do that in about 2 weeks. :) He is just such a kind-hearted, loving man and I'm so grateful to have met him and have him as a friend.

Also, I'm moving to Sandy, Utah at the end of this month! It's a good move for me as it's more affordable, closer to Alan, school and my job! Needless to say, I'm very excited about this. :)

I have my first consultation regarding radiation this Tuesday morning at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. FINALLY!! It's been long awaited and I'm ready to get this next phase of treatment started and finished! I'll be sure to post on Tuesday what the gameplan is. xo

The River

I was listening to music on my iTunes today when I heard this song. It got me thinking (and maybe even crying a little!). These lyrics are just so empowering and true! So, I thought I'd share them with you and hopefully you'll remember the message behind the song. There's a music video at the bottom if you want to listen to the song while you read the lyrics. :) The parts I love most are in bold.

The River by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfiedChoose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

GARTH BROOKS - THE RIVER

deep breath

A picture I took in Minnesota while out on my unce's boat.

School started for me last week. I'm actually very glad to be back taking classes and keeping my mind busy. I'm only going part-time, taking Global Citizenship (required) and Biology, as I was advised radiation will cause a great deal of fatigue.

Aside from school, I've been trying to get my next step in this breast cancer journey started: Radiation

I should've started by now.. and am a little frustrated and nervous because I haven't. I contacted the lady I need to about getting my Breast Cancer Medicaid in order so that I can meet with a Radiation Oncologist. But it seems to always be a waiting game...

Deep breath.

Last night, I went with Alan to his Uncle Pete's birthday party. While there, I met a former breast cancer surgeon from Salt Lake City, who apparently is very well-known and respected in the area. His name is Dr. Hugh Hogle. (I didn't know this until after I had a conversation with him and Alan told me that I had basically just talked to a celebrity.)

He was sitting on the couch and I had made eye contact with him, smiled and looked back down at my plate of food. Something about the way he had looked at me said he wanted to talk to me and when I looked back up at him, I saw him waving for me to come over. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on my arm as he tried to explain that he used to be a breast cancer surgeon. I say "tried", because after sitting with him for a few minutes, I could tell that it was very difficult for him to say what he wanted to. He struggled to get the words out and would say, "Watch." as he drew a word or a number in the air with his finger. At one point he called his wife over and she explained to me that he had a stroke 15 years ago while fishing in Brazil, which unfortunately altered his ability to continue his practice. It left him with limited mobility of his right arm and diffulty with speech.

I sat with him for a while, as he wanted to know about my surgery and where I was from. When I told him I was from Maine, he told me how he went to an all-boys boarding school just outside of Boston. He knew of Mercy Hospital where I had all three surgeries and he had been to Minneapolis (to my knowledge, not the same hospital). It was more than obvious to me that he had a great love for what he did as a breast cancer surgeon. I found out later that his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy.

He still meets with some of his former patients once-a-month for breakfast and is every bit passionate about helping women diagnosed with the disease. In 1996, he wrote a book called, "Our Gift of Love", which consists of some of his former patients' individual breast cancer stories. He invited me to join them for breakfast, as I told him how lonely it is for me here in Salt Lake City not knowing anyone going through breast cancer. What a blessing this connection is for me! And he even offered to give me a copy of his book, which I am very eager to read! When I said goodbye to him, he gave me a big hug and I knew that this man truly cared about my well-being (both physical and emotional). He came in to my life for a reason. :)

Inspite of all that I worry about day-to-day, I am still happy. I continue to remind myself that it could be a lot worse. Even in the face of adversity, I have to persevere. Each day is a new day and I must do what I can with it. I still plan for the future and hope that I have the chance to make a difference in someone's life because of what I've gone through. Just as Dr. Hogle did for me. :)

I really think this quote says it all: