reflections

I've been listening to the rain and thunder for over an hour and just can't help but feel somewhat pensive and reflective as I take in the reality of how prevelant cancer is in this world. Not to mention how angry and helpless it makes me feel when I know little children are suffering from this incidious disease, as well.

I saw this video. The first two girls in the video are now angels in Heaven after they succumbed to their battles with cancer.. 5 other children in the video passed away also: *After you hit the play button, click on the video to see it more clearly (it will open it in a new window)..for some reason on my page it's cut-off*




God has a plan for all of us. As I read the individual blogs written by the parents of some of these children, it becomes more and more apparent that He works in mysterious ways. Families are brought closer together, people have a newfound faith in Him, and/or they start to see the bigger picture, appreciating the small things in life. And all because of one little life, suffering and fighting, just for the chance to live another day.

It's something I've been experiencing a lot since I was diagnosed myself. Though I know I could do better with each day (ie. not procrastinating, exercising more, eating healthier, etc.), I do feel as though great things have come of this experience, things that probably wouldn't have played out quite as well if I didn't have cancer.

Though we've always been close, I know my family loves me and worries about me. I knew this before, and I know this now, just more strongly than ever. I hope they know how much I love and care about them, and how much I appreciate all that they've done for me. They are my biggest supporters through all of this. Where would I be without them?



My boyfriend, Alan. He has proven his committment by sticking by me through this whole ordeal. How many 22 year-old males would want to be involved with a woman going through breast cancer treatment? Not many. I suppose in a way, having been through this with his dad (who was diagnosed with multiple myeloma) has helped, as its given him an idea of what to expect. That and love. :) And he was the one who was there when I first felt the lump in my breast.. and he was the one who really pushed for me to get it checked out. Who knows what would have become of my life if he weren't in it?



And if you ever wondered how many people really love and care about you in this world, cancer gives you the opportunity to find out! And you'll have people you've never even met offering their love and support and prayers! It's absolutely mind-boggling and truly, truly humbling. I honestly never knew that so many people cared about me! But now I know. And I don't think I would've found out any other way if I didn't have cancer.

(I would post a picture of every, single one of you..but that would take forever!) :)

What I guess I really want you all to remember and really take seriously is that tomorrow is never promised. In an instant, your whole world could change. Too often we take simple things for granted. The mother of 2 year old Layla Grace, the second girl in the video who passed away in March, wrote in her blog:

"The house is quiet. I am able to go through the motions of laundry, dishes, cooking and picking up without interruptions. But I WANT interruptions. I WANT Layla to be under my feet asking for cookies. I WANT to hear her playing with her toys. I WANT to take 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher because she keeps trying to help. For every time I uttered the words “I just can’t get anything done with these kids under my feet all day” I am eternally regretful. The days that I looked forward to naptime so I could get a grocery list made, or finally fold all the piles of laundry…I regret those days too. If I could do it all again, I’d enjoy EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT I had with her. I would never wish for her to sit still or take a nap or go to bed early. I would never look forward to the days when she could sit through an entire episode of Dora silently. I would treasure every second with her."

It's things like this that I'm talking about. Too often we complain (I'm guilty, too!). We don't realize that those things we complain about are really minor. Frustrating? Yes. But are they really as bad as we make them out to be? Probably not.

Life will always have it's ups-and-downs. But how we handle them makes all the difference. Hug your children when you see them. Let them tell you about their day. Spend time with them and let them know you love them. And don't sweat the small stuff.

I could go on and on.. but I just really wanted to vent about this. Pray that someday soon we will find a cure for cancer so that mommmys and daddys, brothers and sisters never have to say good-bye. Especially so soon. God is listening. :)

pictures from last chemo

This is mostly for my mom to see because she had really wanted to sit with me through one of my chemo treatments and the one week she came out to be with me for one, I had surgery on a pilonidal cyst and they post-poned the treatment for 2 weeks. So, I documented my last one through photographs. :) Alan was there for the whole thing and my Uncle John came to visit. It was really early and a 5 hour process.. so I look a little rough. :P

Alan and I waiting for my follow-up with Dr. Mathew at 8:00 a.m.



Reading a magazine and waiting for my pre-meds. They had already accessed my port but you can't see it because I'm wearing my jacket.



Chemo has started. You can see the IV line coming out from my jacket.


Free milkshakes! :)



Uncle John, me, and Alan. Thank you guys for being there for me! :)



The nursing staff gave me a balloon and a card. The card started off with, "What cancer cannot do.."



The flowers that were waiting for me when I got home. The pink roses are from Uncle John and the assorted bouquet from my mom!



I love this quote.. it really describes how I feel about all the love and support I've recieved since the very beginning. :)

turning the page

It's almost time to end this chapter and start the next..

It's been just over half a year of fighting this disease. And still, I'm not done. Surgery is next in the line-up. Followed by radiation, which is another 5-7 weeks worth of treatment. Then, at least 5 years of hormone therapy. But I have to say that the worst part is behind me (chemotherapy). So that is a relief. :)

I've finalized my plans for where the surgery will take place. Drumroll please.... Maine. :) I decided that there's a lot to be done there and lots of people to see and it'll get the surgery part done the fastest. I'll be back for about 5-6 weeks before heading back out to Utah.

I'm flying to Boston August 18th and meeting my mom there. Then we'll either take the train or the bus back to Portland. I have an appointment with my surgeon that day at 3:45 p.m. It'll be a busy day, but an important one. It's my chance to sit down with Dr. Molin and discuss my options for surgery. And the following week I will have the surgery (either the 26th or 27th). It's all going to happen pretty quickly....

Before I leave though, I have an MRI scheduled for the 13th of next week to check my breasts again for any tumors. Please pray that it comes back clear.

How did I feel after my last chemo treatment? Meh. Not great, but not terrible. Nights sweats, more stomach discomfort this time, insatiable thirst, hot flashes, muscle aches (in my neck, shoulders, and abs), and fatigue. The cool thing is.. I have peach fuzz coming in! And some eyebrows and even hair on my legs! I actually need to shave my legs for the first time in 4 months! I never thought I'd be excited about that. :)

So basically the next week and a half will consist of packing/organizing, spending as much time as I can with Alan, my relatives and my uncle's dog Allie. :) We're planning a BBQ so I can say good-bye to everyone. And Alan, Uncle John, and myself are going to Valley Fair amusement park next week. :) Those two guys have been so good to me over the past few months and I can't thank them enough for everything!

That's all for now.... hope you all have a safe and happy weekend! :) xo And a very Happy Birthday to Lynnee!!

"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude."

I made it!

A picture Alan took of me last summer jumping off a rock into Phelps Lake in Grand Teton National Park, WY. I just love it.. it was such a freeing moment to freefall into a crystal clear, chilly lake surrounded by some of the most beautiful mountains in the country.

I can't believe chemo is DONE!! To be honest, it's a little surreal. It had become a part of my every day life over the last 16 weeks: doctor's visits, lab draws, echocardiograms, pre-meds, fatigue, hair loss, aches, and hours of sitting in an infusion room getting pumped full of poison.... and it's ALL done. YAY!! :)

All that I have left to do here in Minnesota is have one more lab draw and a follow-up with my oncologist....then it's off to Maine for surgery! (It's about a 90% chance I'll definitely be going back there first before I head out West.)


I have a surgeon lined up at Mercy Hospital in Portland.. I have my family and friends to visit and spend time with.. a wedding to attend.. I'd like to visit my family in New York.. I'd like to take a trip to Montreal.. I'd like spend some time on the beach.. and maybe even catch the beginning of the fall foliage before I head back to Utah!


The tentative plan is that I'll head back to Maine on August 18th (the same day Alan plans to head back to Utah for school). And I hope to have surgery the week of August 23rd. I'm also hoping that I will recover within 4 weeks and get the "Okay" from Dr. Molin to head back to Utah. Like I said in my last post, classes start October 4th and I'd really like to get back in time for school.


But for right now, I'm just going to enjoy these next 3 weeks with my family out here and Alan. Starting to feel the onset of the chemo as I write this.. but I'll just keep drinking lots of water and flush it out of me as fast as I can so that I don't feel like this for too long. At least I won't have to go through it again. :)

That's all for now..just wanted to give a quick update. A big thank you to my mom and uncle John for the bouquets of flowers that were waiting for me when I got home from treatment. Very sweet and thoughtful of them! And to Alan for sitting with me at the hospital for 5 hours while I had my last treatment. He's a good sport and very patient. :) And to the staff at the hospital for giving me a balloon that said, "Congrats!" and a card signed by the nurses on duty. :)

Thanks again for all the love and support you've given me. I'm a much stronger and better person because of you all. :)


We match! Alan shaved his head to show his support! I sure do love him. :)

Lots of love always,

DaNcE IN THE rAiN

My new motto through all this cancer stuff :)

So, after doing some thinking, I decided to do a little editing with my blog. :) I wanted to make it more personal, up-to-date, and with shorter entries. Hope you like what I've done! (It's still a work in progress..)

One week until my last chemo (hopefully forever!). I'm feeling kinda blah these days..low energy, kinda sick feeling in my stomach..had a random nosebleed at 4:30 a.m. two nights ago. BUT..the end of this gross feeling is near!!

Still trying to decide where to go for surgery: Maine or Utah. I have to make a list of pros and cons and go from there. Well..really..the main concern is the dreadful insurance. Maine has me covered.. Utah potentially does with Medicaid.

So, why the need to decide? I'd really like to start school again this fall at Utah Career College. Classes start October 4th. We'll see.. I just really really want to move on with my life....

I went to a mass at the beautiful (and enormous!) Cathedral of St. Paul on Monday where a memorial mass was held for Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. They had her rosary and sandals on display. She was one of the most beautiful and beloved human beings to ever walk this planet; selfless, kind, loving, and always faithful to God. Next month is a mass to honor what would have been her 100th birthday.

I pray she watches over not only myself, but all of us.


A lady approached me at this mass and asked me if I was going through chemo. I told her I was and she said that she just finished her treatment in October. She told me that I would be okay and that God would take care of me. And so would Mother Teresa. I thanked her and said, "Do you mind if I ask what type of cancer you had?". She said, "Breast cancer." Immediately a wave of appreciation for this woman swept over me. She understood what I was going through. She had been through it, too. She told me that she had a double mastectomy. I told her that's what was next for me. She said, "You'll be okay. I'll keep you in my prayers." As I watched her walk away, I started to cry, though she didn't notice. I didn't want her to leave. Here was this woman right in front of me who, without a doubt, felt the same fears I did, felt the same discomfort I did through chemotherapy, and who feels the same hope that I feel that God will take care of us. It was incredibly overwhelming and I suppose crying was the release I needed in that moment.

As I watched her, she walked over to the place where you offer prayers, lit a candle, and knelt down to pray. I wonder if she'll ever know how in that instant, I really believed I'd be okay.... my mom and Alan also lit candles and prayed for me in that exact same spot.

That's all for now.. more to come soon! :)

One last thing....



I think it's fun :)




Thanks for the love and support. xo

the light

I really like this picture. Not only because of the ocean in the background, but because the sunset lights up this stone etched with the simple, encouraging and profound word, "Believe."

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I'm almost done with chemo! Just one more to go and I made it! And boy am I ready.. :) I just had my 7th treatment today. Feeling good, just a little tired and drained, but I am eating just fine and moving about the house well enough. On July 28th, I will have my 8th and final treatment. Then.. it's surgery time!

I spoke briefly with the surgeon, Dr. Zera, of his plan for me if I were to stay in Minnesota for surgery. He said that two or three weeks after my last chemo, he would have me go in for another MRI of my chest to check again for tumors; then go from there. I'm trying to work out the details so that I can finish this journey in Utah and get back into school this fall at Utah Career College. I found out classes start October 4th, which is great as it gives me about a month to recover from surgery before I'd have to worry about that. As I told my mom though, I need to work or go to school. Sitting around these past 4 months hasn't been good for me..it allows for too much thinking and overanalyzing. And I just really want to move on with my life.. to put this behind me and keep moving forward.

Today, my oncologist talked to me a little bit about the surgery and said that if my pathology report after my surgery shows good margins, then I might be able skip radiation. That would be nice! However, I will still need to go on Tamoxifin, the hormone therapy to control my estrogen levels.

I had a very relaxing 4th of July weekend. Alan and I went back up north to Frazee, MN and spent a few days at his aunt and uncle's lake house. Lots of down time: reading, eating, sitting out on their deck and relaxing by the lake. Alan's uncle even took me out on his Harley for a mind-clearing ride through the country. Saw a fireworks show on the night of the 4th. The morning before we left, I took the kayak out to get some exercise and to look for the loon and her 2 babies that had nested on an island on the lake. It was so peaceful and it gave me a chance to be alone with nature.

The 6th treatment was a little tough at times, as I had some intense bone pain in my knees, shins and feet. It made it difficult to stand and walk. My legs kept buckling underneath me as if I'd been jumping on a trampoline for hours. Fortunately, after a few days, that discomfort subsided. I was able to handle this 6th treatment pretty well, thanks in part to the extra recovery time I had been allotted after the surgery for my cyst.

So, 7 down and ONE MORE TO GO!! I can't believe that it's almost over.. All things considered, it went by pretty fast. I started off very fearful, worried that I would be bedridden for the better part of the 16 weeks. Though I had a few obstacles to overcome with my heart suffering from the Adrimyacin and the pilonidal cyst causing severe pain, I think I came through this whole process unscathed. :) Thank you God for carrying me through and showing me how strong I really am!! And for all the love and support I receive on a daily basis!! What would I do without all of you? :)

Katelyn's Spaghetti Fundraiser on July 3rd was a success! She raised $1,836 for me!! Amazing :) My family had taken some pictures so that I could see what it looked like and who was there to support me, and I have to say it looked so beautiful and she did a wonderful job!! And it was so nice seeing pictures of some old family friends that I haven't seen in awhile! Overall, it was a success and I owe her a huge thank you!!

Jess' fundraiser on July 8th was a success as well! She held a jewelry party at Siano's restaurant in the Old Port, with 20% of the sales going directly to me. Also, Siano's donated their space and $100! She said that it looks like she raised about $400 and is hoping that it will be closer to $500!! If you would like to order some beautiful jewelry, go to www.stelladot.com/jessicalouise with Linda Bancroft-Norden as the host. You have until tomorrow to order!! Thank you Jess for putting that fundraiser together as quickly as you did! I appreciate it! And of course, thank you to all my friends that put in an order! Wish I could've been there to see all of you!

I have some other thank you's to get out there: My Aunt Marianne for the flowers she sent me for my 5th treatment, to my cousin Theresa for sending me the cutest Build-a-Bear which was so sweet and thoughtful :), to my friend Ali for mailing me a chemo care package filled with: a book on eating right to fight cancer, a scarf to use as a headwrap, lotion, detoxing bath salt, ginger to help with nausea and a very sweet card. Also, to my mom for sending me flowers every treatment since I started! I always, always look forward to that. :) My friend, Mel, from South Shields, UK sent me an England tank top and keychain with a handwritten letter. I loved it! :) Also, a big thank you to my brother's friend and his wife (Ryan and Nicole Emmons) who, at their wedding last weekend, had two 'dollar dances' to raise money for my benefit checking account. In those two dances alone, they raised $310!! Very generous and thoughtful of them to do that for me!! My sister also has a donation bucket out at her job and she raised $285 so far. And a friend of my mom's from the Lubec port-of-entry donated to my account as well. The Farnsworth's also gave me some reading material: 2 Nicholas Sparks book, a journal and coloring book with crayons. ENDLESS LOVE AND SUPPORT!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! :)

Honestly, I recieve some type of encouragement every single day. And I have never in my life felt more loved and special as I do on this journey..and I owe it to all of you. :) I recieved so many message and e-mails regarding my last post about my fear and sadness of my upcoming surgery. I have to say, I feel MUCH better now and more confident about my future loss. Thank you for the feedback! There is one particular passage from a message that I'd like to share with you, just because it really spoke to my heart and put my soul at ease:

"....when things in life get me down I ALWAYS remember this one thought...it's the only thing that makes me feel better. I remember that this life is temporary..and while that doesn't necessarily ease our battles here on earth, it does provide the slightest peace of mind for me. I KNOW that whatever I'm facing now, at some point in my life it will be no longer. And the vast majority of my existence will not be in this body."

I have begun to accept this challenge. Sadly, many before me have faced this same crossroads. I literally just saw a commercial about breast cancer and it said that every 3 minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer. That is a scary statistic and a very sad one at that. My friend Jane from Yellowstone told me that I inspired her and that she is interning this fall doing cancer research with a team of oncologists, "because this whole cancer thing just needs to be solved." Bless her heart. :) But she's right! With that many women being diagnosed with breast cancer alone, something needs to be done and fast.

I found this quote the other day and feel empowered when I think of it:

Again, one more treatment and lots of people to thank for their love and support. :)

I AM NOT ALONE!

Lots of love always,

Fire and Rain

Me, Georgie, Dustin, and mum at our family friend James' wedding. I'm missing them a lot.

I wanted to write another blog before I have chemo on Wednesday. If it's anything like it was last time, I think I'll be feeling pretty sick for about a week and a half. I hope not, but just in case I wanted to update before then. Plus I have a few things to talk about.

I really want to thank my mum for driving all the way out here from Maine (a 3 day drive!) and spending 10 days with me. We were able to do a lot together and it really meant a lot to me. :) So, thank you mom for being here for me and for all you did for us while you were here!! Can't wait to see you again. I miss you and Dustin and Georgie more than you know. I love you guys!

And I just want to apologize again to those family and friends who haven't heard from me. It makes me cringe when I realize how much time passes between responding to someone's e-mail, message, comment, phone call, gifts, etc. It seems like days turn into weeks, and weeks to months before I get back to people. And I feel terrible and I'm so sorry!! :( Tomorrow I plan on replying to as many messages as I can and writing as many thank you notes as I can before Wednesday's chemo.

I don't know what it is..but these days, or weeks I should say, have been harder on me emotionally. I don't know if it's the fear of the upcoming surgery or stress of decisions I have to make. But I have had moments where I am struggling not to cry and to just focus on the tasks of the day. And my mom, uncle, and Alan have seen my emotional wall crumble..crying over things that are probably not that big of a deal but for whatever reason were too much for me in that moment.

I know that I am loved. I know that people care. Every day I am reminded of these things. And inspite of it all, I know I am blessed beyond words. Battling cancer does have it's physical challenges, though I find it more of an emotional struggle than anything. I struggle with having to accept the loss of a breast, or possibly both. And out of curiosity, I want to ask my female friends this: How do you think you would deal with the loss of your breasts? (..I ask because sometimes hearing another's point-of-view can lend me ideas I never thought of and therefore help me cope.)

For me, when I look at the big picture, this is minor. There are people who go without food, clean water, and medical care everyday. And I'm selfish enough to worry about my breasts and loss of hair. It's incredible what we as human beings take for granted. There are days when I think, "I don't need breasts. It's not a big deal." Then moments later, I can't seem to accept losing them and start to feel sad. So, what is it that I'm feeling?? I've been told that at this point during treatment, most women do start to feel a little depressed. You have time to wrap your head around the reality of what your life has become. The change is extreme. But, it's a matter of life or death. And I choose to live. It's not forever. I am enduring this for a brief time and the end of chemo is closer and closer every day and my scars will fade. And..I know it could be worse.

Below is one of my favorite pictures (it's not of me..just one I found on photobucket).. But it's something I love to do when I'm going through a hard time. To sit by the ocean is incredibly therapeutic. And below the picture are some lyrics that I can really relate to at this point in my life and during treatment.

"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
I won't make it any other way"

-James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"

In closing, I just want to remind everyone again about the fundraiser July 3rd. See my last post for details. :) Again, any help is greatly appreciated!!

And please pray for my Aunt Stef and her family as she lost her dad today. It's never easy to lose a loved one and I want them to know that I'm thinking of them and love them!!

Also, please pray for my Aunt Colleen who had to put her 14 year old dog down yesterday. I know it broke her heart to do that, but I hope she finds comfort in knowing that Sid is no longer suffering.

Thanks for hearing me out..and again, please continue to be patient with me. You will hear back from me.. and I'm working hard to make sure it's this week!! :) I love you guys! xo