One year ago

Yes, it has officially been one year since my diagnosis. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. When I reflect back to when I first heard the doctor say, "I'm sorry to tell you this..but the results did come back as cancer.", I remember how my mind went numb and I just started to cry. I remember feeling denial and disbelief for weeks following that day. I remember crying mostly out of frustration because the cancer was interfering with my happiness and with my life. I had plans and cancer was ruining all of them. I was mad. I was at myself for not taking better care of myself, thinking it was all my fault that this happened. And I just wanted to believe that they had made some sort of mistake, that it couldn't possibly be happening to me.

And when it finally sank in, I begged God not to let me die. And I cried. A lot.

I remember everything happening so quickly. I was constantly seeing doctors, having tests done, prepping for surgery, waiting for results, going back into surgery, waiting for results, deciding when to start chemo, deciding what chemotherapy drugs to take, for how long, where, and waiting some more....

My life had become a whirlwind of medical terms I didn't understand and I was scared. I hated hearing the hushed conversation between my doctors, nurses, and mom. I hated sitting in a chair, as the center of attention, and having them all stand around me, looking at me, and telling me what to expect from all of these treatments. It was so hard to hear that my cancer was aggressive. It was hard to hear that my hair would fall out. Everything was so completely overwhelming and frightening.

But it wasn't all bad. In fact, I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise.

Right from start, once I had the courage to tell everyone that I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer, came the most beautiful outpouring of love and support from family, friends, other women who had been through it, and people I didn't even know. Alan stayed with me through it all, proving to be a stronger man than most. I was able to know my dad's side of the family better after spending my summer with them while I went through chemo. I heard from friends and family I hadn't seen in years and so many reached out to me. I found God again and He has been the one I reach out to the most when it gets really tough.

I had a very, very difficult year physically and emotionally. But it was a beautiful experience in that it taught me a lot about myself. I think I was able to help others remember that life is precious. I came to realize I was a fighter and I have a lot more strength than I thought. But I believe we're all a lot stronger than we think. :)

Here's to putting that year behind me.

I love you guys. Thanks for all that you've done for me. You know I couldn't have done it without you. xx